ROME -- In the wake of Tony Driver's brilliant fourth quarter against Purdue, Notre Dame Executive Vice President William Beauchamp, C.S.C., appealled directly to Rome to have Driver beatified.

"We felt that under the circumstances, it would be inappropriate to make Tony wait until five years after his death to begin the process of sainting him," Beauchamp explained during a surprise comic walk-on on TV's "Dharma and Greg".

The Pope apparently agreed and indicated that although Mother Teresa would have to wait the full five years, that was because she "never had two interceptions in one game."

Accompanying the beatification is the construction of a giant brass monstrosity in the form of Driver himself. Students are encouraged to leave burnt offerings at the feet of the enormous statue during the hours between 10 AM and 12 PM weekdays, 10 AM and 2 AM on weekends.

Father Malloy, speaking from the Office of Huge Construction Contract Kickbacks had the following commment: "I am thrilled to be working on these important issues with the newly-formed diversity committee."

Beauchamp elaborated, "we will be constructing a giant interactive mobile of Driver early next year; it will replace the one of Athletic Director Wadsworth, which is being moved to a Big Ten school, where it will be much happier."

This construction of this huge graven image continues a trend of grandiose campus expansion, marked by the placement of a Borg cube behind the Dome and the construction of a new bookstore in the middle of St. Mary's Lake.

By December, Beauchamp hopes that the rusted colossus will begin falling apart, crushing recruiters from Arthur Andersen and Kraft Foods.

"We wish to assure the students that The Tony Driver Ass-Saving Memorial will not deprive them of the social space they desire. They were not going to get it anyway."

Student reactions were mixed. Pangborn Senior Megan McMac felt Driver deserved the honor. "I still think he should be venerated first, however, so we don't have to read 12 pages of Right Reason on the proper procedures for sainting a recently converted defensive back. Will the pointy crooked arrow be affected? It's so pointy."

Sorin freshman Fred Bush was apalled at the decision, "I think the mobile should not be built until Senator Bradley's is. Also, I think we should bury the Wadsworth statue under the new bookstore, next to the University's Catholic Character."

Tony Driver was not permitted to comment. He promised not to quit the team any more, though.