Following this weekend's success of its "bollards" vehicle deterrent system in laying waste an intruding car, an emboldened Notre Dame security has announced plans to install the Lockheed Martin AGM-114 Hellfire family of tactical anti-armor High Explosive Anti-Tank (HEAT) missiles.

"Man, these things kick ASS!!" squealed a visibly gleeful Rex Rakow, Director of Campus Security. To be installed in Flanner Tower/Grace Tower (see video) and the Law School/Alumni Hall to cover the East and South approaches (respectively) to campus, the so-called Brimstone systems provide overlapping fields of fire. "The Brimstone offers us a great deal of flexibility," chirped assistant director of Security/Police Chuck Hurley. "Their guidance systems easily adapt to handle Indiana's unpredictable weather, and the Hellfire missiles' 11kg shaped-charged warhead easily annihilates all common student vehicle types--including Blazers, Grand Cherokees, pickups, and the occasional minivan."

The exuberant Hurley proceeded to demonstrate by reducing a nearby Miata to a pile of burning slag, killing two St. Mary's students and a squirrel. The squirrel's identity is being witheld pending notification of his next-of-kin, but a memorial service will honor him in the JACC. The Observer issuead an immediate apology for the installation of the Hellfires, claiming that they were likely to discriminate against darker skinned students who are not as easily idenitfied by the laser guidance systems. "You simply cannot have roadside execution stations that tolerate classes among students. It is untolerated and uncalled for," explained Iris Outlaw, Director of the Office of Multicultural Student Affairs. "Yo Diggity." In recognition of the Lockheed grant that helped fund the project, the University is reportedly considering renaming the Main Circle the "Lockheed Martin Memorial Kill-Basket and Turkey Shoot." Student Body President Matt Griffin indicated that while he was not surprised to find out that Security was planning to blow up student's cars, he was interested in standing at the fifty yard line more often while the announcer prattles on about his pathetic accomplishments and his stupid-ass trophy. "If they throw one more marshmallow at me," threatened Griffin, "I'll have them all fucking killed." Plans to equip the North Dining Hall ID-check stations with banks of motion-sensing shotguns could not be confirmed as the Inquisition went to press.