The Administration today announced plans for the demolition of the Basilica of the Sacred Heart to make way for the construction of yet another blatantly unnecessary building.

"Frankly, the Basilica was causing alarming amounts of the unwashed masses to visit campus, including a lot of old people wandering around aimlessly and talking about the foliage. I mean, shit, go to Vermont already," said the Executive Vice-President E. William Beauchamp.

Beauchamp derided the Basilica's failure to generate large amounts of revenue for the University. "For some reason, you can't attach the name of an alumnus to a church in exchange for obscene amounts of money," he bitched. "We checked. You just can't have a Keough Family Basilica."

The Eisner Family Office Complex will cater exclusively to the endless omnivorous needs of the administration. Early architectural plans indicate that the structure will be massive, overly ornate, and generally excessive.

Specifically, the EFOC will house the people who take care of your football ticket money while you wait to lose the ticket lottery. It will also house the people in charge of denying that the interest earned in the meantime is an intended consequence of this policy. Father Beauchamp's cat will be allowed to roam the halls at will.

A fast-rusting modern art structure depicting the general repression of Canadian hermaphrodites will serve as the finishing touch to the site. There will also be a wood-fired grille.

"At first, we were going to allot the money to academic scholarships," Beauchamp said of the the trustee's decision to needlessly destroy and reconstruct. "Then we all laughed heartily. Like this: Ha ha! More wood-fired grilles!"

"The grille is a wonderful focal point. Ha Ha!"

In addition to functioning as a home base for the Assistant Hesburgh Center to the Auxillary Center for the Continuation of Hesburgh Centers, the new building will also house a pagan altar for use by the Folk Choir, as well as an entire wing dedicated to Bob Davie damage control.

There will be further wood-fired grilles.

When questioned as to where the existing members of Sacred Heart Parish will worship after the destruction of the Basilica, Beauchamp indicated that they should cheese off.

"We're shifting all responsibility for the exercise of the Catholic religion on campus to Campus Ministry. They can go meet in that kitchen over there. It's more friendly, " he explained. "That way, we can also rip down the Knights of Columbus Hall to make way for an Amassing Large Amounts of Money Studies Center.

"Seeing as how Saint Mary's has a "Pride Day," we've decided to have an "Avarice Week" and a "Gluttony Month." Later, we'll claim it was our idea, stated Dennis Moore, an entirely fictitious person.

Although, we do have to keep the guys throwing the bowling pins on gamedays. That's hilarious. Besides-- less Masses, more lectures from the Commission on Multiculturalism, I always say."

"I look forward to serving on the committee for diversity and making great strides in multicultural understanding," remarked University President Edward Malloy.

Edward J. Debartalo was unavailable for comment. Cappy Gagnon was.