A crisis affecting us all All major sports records to be prorated Americans demand more crap An Tostal sets new records for disinterest, irrelevance This apathy crap is wearing thin, people Baseball celebrates record-breaking illegitimate birth this season Basillica to be demolished, replaced by office complex Billionare's heart gladdened; people of earth rejoice Blue and Gold '98: A great victory, a crushing defeat Bookstore 98: A rousing finish, followed by years of crushing banality Bosnian ATMs dispense only twenties; world cries for justice Borg student group demands inclusion Boxers laud predecessors, selves Cappy Gagnon to students: Just say no; Students to Cappy: Piss off, man Christ to judge living, dead; ND students "not satisfied" City fathers, business leaders praise success of US 31 Bypass CLC explores self CLC demands things, gets nothing Clinton revises story: "I didn't ejaculate." Colletto calls appropriate, successful play Colletto resigns, offers Irish ray of hope Common Sense synopsis: Blah, blah, blah J.P. Cooney plans London Chronicles Corpse of Caray slated for re-animation Damn minims and preps, they make me sick Davie fires Father Hesburgh Driver beatified; construction of memorial Colossus begins A few words on inclusion Fred Kelly eternally damned Fred Kelly honored for displeasure Fred Kelly speaks from Hell Friends are like flowers Garrity appointed Special Prosecutor in Wadsworthgate Gipp not funny for fourth consecutive year Helpful tips for freshmen Home is where I am Huddle to be sold to Ruth's Chris Steak House I'm a hungry girl who wants her bacon bits I'm in Mexico, the rest of you suck I am so interesting!! I'm so wacky! I approve of God I, Dave McMahon, am fucking insane I hate you: an ode to no one I have some problems with Thanksgiving I want to save Roger Inquisition acquires others' jokes Inquisition apologizes for starting the whole Lingenfelser thing Inquisition bulletin: more inside jokes in '98 The Inquisition Poetry Corner: Feathers' A Night Without Sunlight The Inquisition presents: Dos and Don'ts for the Modern Catholic Inquisition welcomes crimefighter MB Ellis to the staff Keenan Revue unfair to mean people Kirk describes complaints received about the Inquisition Law students busted for practicing oral advocacy Let us discuss discussion Letter to the editor: Feathers is like, so right! Lingenfelser on hypocrisy Lingenfelser to Griffin: I don't have a life, why should you? Listen, O my children, for I, Gary Caruso, am wise and brave Little-known black history facts MacIntyre announces matchups in Three Rival Versions of Moral Inquiry Malloy announces sale of O'Shag to St. Joe HS Malloy to Father Octuplets this October Malloy reads Observer, calls it quits Malloy sells South Quad to Meijer, Inc. McGarnigle and Sheen a breath of fresh air Mean people are not ND "Men About Campus:" Students respond Men on film: Brad Pendergast at the movies Menard's guy loses it during "Simpsons" My life is not only interesting, it's also symbolically important ND to abandon education, become theme park ND beats Nebraska, gets ready for Carnegie Tech grudge match ND to institute parietals at sweatshops ND to purchase, demolish South Bend ND to sing the Body Electric ND soars in US News ID Card Rankings Never mind the bollards; here come the Hellfires No more opinions -- ever Observer "All Gay, All the Time" Observer runs accurate, grammatical story An "Ode" to "Her" Oh, the humanity: My dorm room is too small The Outside Column special edition: by Feathers' twin Colleen Pat Garrity transfigured Patty O'Hara's "Talking Points" for the new administration PE Student announces weekend drinking binge Please listen to I, Gary Caruso Progressive Student Alliance leaves Notre Dame Point-Counterpoint: What about parietals? Powlus promises not to suck Remember to remember: one student remembers Remembering John Denver Regan's Inquisition editorship in jeopardy Right Reason editor Kelly eternally damned Rolf's reaches new heights in customer disservice Scandal!! Student Gov't apathetic, self-serving Short takes SMC Parasites: students speak out Soap Opera Update Stop throwing marshmallows at me, people South Bend TV listings Special from the editors of Right Reason Spring romance infects COBA St. Mary's Lake to be renovated Stanford Hall sponsors Alcohol Awareness Week Students conduct lame rally to no effect Student Gov't demands millions from trustees Student Gov't prepares to waste money, be irrelevant Student Gov't to be privatized, says Cesaro Students protest styrofoam: "It's easier than thinking!" Student section to be deprived of oxygen Study biased against stupid, uneducated people Sullivan lynched; dismembered body up for grabs The Szabo-English Dictionary SUB and NEA to sponsor paintball war in Snite Tabloids vow to kill Fergie There are no good fans anymore Things get shaky Touchdown Jesus to be replaced by JumboTron; mayhem ensues Tribal religions found to be "bunk" Underage student penetrates Bridget's security Wadsworth slated to fire Knute Rockne What do you think: The Arkansas shootings What do you think: The death of Linda McCartney What do you think: MLK What do you think: The Monica Lewinsky scandal What to you think: What time is it? Who is and is not "ND" Wolverine player expelled