Be yourself. Notre Dame values diversity. Look to the Art Department for a model. Now is not the time to be "getting out and meeting people." This is college and your grades are what really counts. Try to know one less person every day. Drink, drink, drink. Drink until you can't remember the location of your own ass, especially on Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Wednesdays. And don't forget, Notre Dame is a Catholic University, so drink a lot at Mass. We can't stress it enough, if you're not drunk, you're not cool. The truth hurts, but superficiality is golden. Notre Dame is Goth Land. Dress accordingly. Notre Dame loves gay people. If you are gay, tell everyone you can find. One thing that really helps you fit in to your dorm is to vandalize something. If you want to feel very welcome, vandalize something important, like a cemetery or the Grotto. Sometimes the dining hall is a scary place. To fit in there, boss the service people around loudly. Other student will know you know who is boss around here! Student Government is where all the action is. When the football team is doing poorly, the players like to be teased, especially in public. Show them you are "hip to their rap," and say they suck bad ‹ remember, Notre Dame is a family. Saint Mary's is your natural enemy. Break out in violent, sexually charged cat fights with SMCers as much as you can. Don't get involved in any kind of service, it looks stupid on your resume and you will never get a job. Kiss Matt Griffin's mushy, pale ass early and often. Being dishonest is the best way to get what you want from the opposite sex. Say, "Hi, I'm Tony Driver," when meeting girls. Remember to do this even if you are a girl. Notre Dame loves gay people. Get on WSND. Women will be dropping at your feet the next day. Especially the classical shifts.