Students and faculty alike expressed their concern yesterday as Bill Kirk checked into Memorial Hospital suffering from a severe case of concern.

Kirk was reportedly unhappy with the condition of the JACC following the football ticket sales, as well as with the dry cleaning of his suit. Kirk was reported to be in peeved but stable condition.

The student body appeared especially upset at the news.

"Oh my God, he's not happy! What are we to do?" lamented Pangborn junior Jen Moon.

"Our goal as a University is the satisfaction of Bill Kirk. That's why Father Sorin started this place. Everyone knows that," added President Emeritus Theodore Hesburgh.

Strangely, when the Michigan football tailgaters left approxiamtely eleven thousand times as much trash all over the campus, Kirk was not only not concerned, he wasn't even miffed. "Those people are donors," he explained. "What bothers me is students leaving trash behind after having a good time next ot the JACC."

Of particular worry during Kirk's ongoing treatment was the complicating factor of Kirk's embarassment, which, coupled with his concern, made for a challenging set of symptoms.

"We're pretty sure we can help him," said Dr. James Moriarty of University Health Services. "We're going to bring him a $100,000 bar and a TV so he can watch re-runs of Tic-Tac-Dough." "If he doesn't respond favorably to that, we may have to get him a Caramello." Other University Officials were less concerned. "I welcome the opportunity to serve on the Committee for Diversity, and look forward to what we can accomplish," said President Edward Malloy, before returning to his game of Parcheesi. This is not the first time Kirk has been reported annoyed. Many remember the vigils held at the Grotto in December 1991 when Kirk was charged $1.50 for a Baby Ruth candy bar at O'Hare. And the University was nearly torn apart in June 1987 by allegations that Kirk was served a lukewarm pretzel at Hot Sam in University Park Mall. Kirk also noted that, "it was obvious that alcohol had been consumed [at the ticket camp out]." It was at this point that his condition elevated from concern to a full-scale worry. A prayer vigil will be held at Sacred Heart Basilica starting at 5 PM and will continue until Kirk is once again content and at peace with the world.