Notre Dame is a very special place, indeed. But lately, some members of the Notre Dame family have been taking liberties with the gifts they have received. First off, I think I speak for all of Notre Dame when I disinherit those people from the family and damn them to Hell.

Secondly, I wish to offer some words of advice for all of those members of the Notre Dame family that have not just been damned to Hell.

The way the Eucharist has been received on campus recently is both glorious and abhorrent. While one likes the companionship of friends at the service, one wonders if the presence of these friends are appropriate in such a sacred service, or whether one should have friends at all.

One fondly remembers the days when churchgoers were sealed into a darkened capsule for the entirety of the service, being released intermittently to be struck in the head with a large wooden plank. Then Pope Pius I removed the rusty nail from the plank, and everything went downhill from there.

Above and beyond all else, please remember that your existence on this earth as a Catholic should be a horrifyingly painful ordeal. One remembers and reveres the tradition of St. Adelbert's Day, in which thousands upon thousands of Catholics would gather in St. Peter's Square to be flayed alive.

Over 23,000 Catholics were flayed by Pope John XXIII alone.

Where, O! Where is the Cat O' Nine Tail in these incurious days?

So, one should ask themselves the same question every day. Did I do my duty as a Catholic? Was I bashed in the head by a wooden plank? Was I flayed alive? If you can answer these questions, the answer will probably be no. And we are all poorer for it.