Americans demand more crap An Tostal sets new records for disinterest, irrelevance Basillica to be demolished, replaced by office complex Bosnian ATMs dispense only twenties; world cries for justice Borg student group demands inclusion Boxers laud predecessors, selves Christ to judge living, dead; ND students "not satisfied" City fathers, business leaders praise success of US 31 Bypass CLC explores self CLC demands things, gets nothing Clinton revises story: "I didn't ejaculate." Common Sense synopsis: Blah, blah, blah J.P. Cooney plans London Chronicles Corpse of Caray slated for re-animation Fred Kelly eternally damned Fred Kelly honored for displeasure Fred Kelly speaks from Hell Gipp not funny for fourth consecutive year Griffin gets last laugh on student government Helpful tips for freshmen Huddle to be sold to Ruth's Chris Steak House Inquisition acquires others' jokes Inquisition apologizes for starting the whole Lingenfelser thing Inquisition bulletin: more inside jokes in '98 Inquisition welcomes crimefighter MB Ellis to the staff Kirk describes complaints received about the Inquisition Law students busted for practicing oral advocacy Lingenfelser on hypocrisy Lingenfelser to Griffin: I don't have a life, why should you? Little-known black history facts MacIntyre announces matchups in Three Rival Versions of Moral Inquiry Malloy announces sale of O'Shag to St. Joe HS Malloy to Father Octuplets this October Malloy reads Observer, calls it quits Malloy sells South Quad to Meijer, Inc. Menard's guy loses it during "Simpsons" ND to abandon education, become theme park ND to institute parietals at sweatshops ND to purchase, demolish South Bend ND to sing the Body Electric ND soars in US News ID Card Rankings Never mind the bollards; here come the Hellfires Observer "All Gay, All the Time" Observer runs accurate, grammatical story Patty O'Hara's "Talking Points" for the new administration PE Student announces weekend drinking binge Powlus promises not to suck Progressive Student Alliance leaves Notre Dame Regan's Inquisition editorship in jeopardy Right Reason editor Kelly eternally damned Rolf's reaches new heights in customer disservice Scandal!! Student Gov't apathetic, self-serving Short takes SMC Parasites: students speak out South Bend TV listings Spring romance infects COBA St. Mary's Lake to be renovated Stanford Hall sponsors Alcohol Awareness Week Students conduct lame rally to no effect Student Gov't demands millions from trustees Student Gov't prepares to waste money, be irrelevant Student Gov't to be privatized, says Cesaro Students protest styrofoam: "It's easier than thinking!" Student section to be deprived of oxygen Study biased against stupid, uneducated people Sullivan lynched; dismembered body up for grabs The Szabo-English Dictionary Tabloids vow to kill Fergie Things get shaky Touchdown Jesus to be replaced by JumboTron; mayhem ensues Tribal religions found to be "bunk" Underage student penetrates Bridget's security