WASHINGTON DC -- A Gallup poll released yesterday indicates that the American public overwhelmingly favors the presence of more crap in America. 87% of Americans replied that they "Strongly Favored" more crap, while only 5% "Felt Strongly" that there was "Entirely too much crap in this country." 8% had no opinion, even though they consented to go through the 15 minute survey.

It was revealed that American desire for crap cuts across all classifications -- from consumer goods to political analysis, Americans favor things that are generally poor quality, lowest common denominator material -- crap.

Marcia Allen, an average American from Cherry Hill, New Jersey, felt that there wasn't nearly enough crap on television. "I can't get Jerry Springer on the weekends," she lamented. "They're showing more and more of that educational/family hour garbage, when what I really want isn't being considered. That Odyssey channel really sucks. I mean, have you seen that 'Our House'? When will the brawl break out between Wilford Brimley and Shannen Doherty? It's very undemocratic, I think. And what ever happened to Hee Haw? Can we bring that back please?"

Many Americans feel that their laundry detergent is not up to par, despite nearly constant improvements by manufacturers. "I haven't had any devices to put in my washing machine since that little plastic ball for the fabrinc softener five years ago. Why can't there be a little box I throw in to keep the scent fresh? And an octagon to help cure static cling? What's the deal?"

Other Americans felt that more electronic gizmos and other gadgets were needed. "I'd like to take off the pounds, but I don't want to lift my legs," said Dan Barley of Yankton, South Dakota. "So when that Christie Brinkley gal told me about that thing that picks my legs up, I said 'sign me up, sister!'" Barley later realized that Brinkley could not hear him and ordered by phone. Barley also purchased a new tool kit. "I already have tools, but they're all over my bathroom floor! I can't find what I want! I needed a tool kit that came with a complimentary box, so I'll know where everything is." After the Inquisition reminded Barley that he could have placed his existing tools in a tool box available at the Servistar franchise he owns, we were angrily ordered off the property. "What's the point of having a cellular phone without a leather wall mounting for the battery charger?" asked Joe Keil, of SeaBee, Wisconsin. "And what style you want for your mounting should be a choice YOU get to make. I'm tired of corporate America running my life according to its preferences." Amy Digby, a suburban homemaker from Plantation, Florida has a completely different and unrelated point. "We need more inoffensive pop bands. I mean, Hanson and the Spice Girls alone do not satisfy my music needs. We need more teenagers running around singing wholesome pop. We need a hero, dammit! We're holding out for a hero til the morning light!" "I, for one, cannot find any good video games to play," said Tim Sullivan, of Padinske, Florida. "What happened to Defender and Q-Bert? All there is now is this ridiculous Mario Brothers and a whole bunch of sports games. I want to save the Galaxy from Aliens, but you don't see any development on that front since 'Aliens Attack -- Save the Galaxy' came out five minutes ago." Pete McCafferty of Parma, Ohio made clear his request for more frivolous food products. "Today's food just isn't funny. Remember Screaming Yellow Zonkers? I saw that in the A & P in 1974, and I couldn't stop laughing! It's one of my fondest memories. Remember Quisp? Remember Quake? Remember King Vitamin? I mean, what was that guy's problem? A king of cereal? Whatever," said McCafferty, who continued in this vein for 45 minutes, naming at least 5 cereals that never existed. Josh Gaul, of Cornhole, Texas demanded some simple crap for his life. "I want Dolphin wax at an affordable price! I'm not going to buy any more substituted products. Others like me continue to suffer because we just don't have enough dolphin wax, or psychic hot-lines -- those really work you know. Shirley McGee of Wilmington, Delaware would like to make a comment on five and dimes. "Those Wal-Marts and Targets have a real chip on their shoulder, mister. I remember the days where you could go into your local F.W. Woolworth, buy some penny candy, some foam toys, a piece of cardboard, a plastic ring, and a pigeon for $3.95 American. And when you were done, you could eat in the restaurant comfortable in the knowledge that they wouldn't serve Negroes, no matter how much those faggots in Washington would try to make them." If there is anything harder to find than a good piece of abdominal exercise equipment, the average American fat person (Scott Kramarik of Rogers, New Mexico) cannot say who it might be. "Screw the exercise industry," said Kramarik, "I'm taking my business elsewhere." "I have problems in the kitchen," stated Eunice Jones of Chippewa, New York. "I don't have any low fat cookware and I don't seem to be able to find any for sale. I need a product that not only removes fat from food, but also deals wiht unsightly nose hair. And cleanup has GOT TO BE EASY!"