By Feathers Long Lost twin -- Colleen

The Internet. Ha! I mean, you get lots of strange and kooky stuff on it. Like Jennicam. Where does she get off? And sometimes you get those 50 funny lawyer jokes, which eases the pain for a couple of minutes.

Oh, and the Starr Report. It gave me some excellent ideas with Brad last night. Unfortunately, they were out of El Productos at the Osco, but we made do with Creamsicles. Squishy, yet fun.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, the Internet. It can give you some wise things. Last night, I got some really wise stuff, stuff that ranks up there with the Sermon on the Mount and Plato's cave deal. Let me share it with you now. Read it, and read it again. I had to read it 20 times before I understood. It's the kind of thing that really freaks you out.

Every day, over 8000 people are born, yet over 8000 people die. We are tops in education, yet I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground. But really, can anyone?

We value human rights, yet every day, somebody is mean. We value freedom, yet our lives are pledged to warm flat bread. The legal system is envied around the world, yet Ally McBeal is Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

We value beauty, but have you seen Lisa Kudrow's latest haircut? I mean, a pageboy? Ewwwww.

We look up to Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa as heroes, while ignoring the real heroes like Jen.

We are at a time of prosperity, yet Domino's is still skimping on the pepperoni.

Every day, we wake up to the prospect of permanent light, yet those hopes are brutally dashed when it becomes dark. My shoes are wet.

Sometimes it is cold, sometimes it is warm. The funny thing is, you can kind of tell when it's going to be cold and/or warm, but sometimes you're surprised, and there certainly isn't any way to stop it. You'd think there would be, but there isn't.

My shoes are still wet.

We drink crackers. We eat tea. What the hell is going on here? In Australia, Yahoo Serious is a respected comedian. So is Crocodile Dundee, although I don't think that's his real name. I can't remember what it is, though.

We value originality, yet there is a large industry devoted to photocopies. There once was a time when you could walk the streets of any major city and find a drunk laconically playing the banjo. You don't see that anymore. Hello sunshine. Goodbye rain. If only that stanza were true. If only it was true. Read it, then read it again. Then read it one more time, then go back to the beginning and start over, continuing to follow my instructions.