NOTRE DAME -- The sixteenth President of the University of Notre Dame has yielded to overwhelming pressure from the student newspaper and resigned his post. Rev. Edward A. "Monk" Malloy C.S.C., informed the University community of his decision in an obscene campus-wide voice mail message.

"When I looked at last Tuesday's Viewpoint Section, I realized what an awful, awful man I am," said Malloy, President since 1986 of the nation's most famous Catholic University.

The editorial column by recent graduate Dave McMahon, indicated that Malloy's performance was unacceptable. "Malloy's performance is unacceptable," wrote McMahon.

Father Malloy had hoped to finish his third term and maybe start a fourth, but he said the impact of McMahon's words was "too profound to be ignored. I just couldn't go on after he exposed the 'Spirit of Inclusion' as coming from the pens of lawyers. He's right. I did let a lawyer write it. I guess I'm busted. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa!"

"For many years I have weighed the fine distinctions between what Dave McMahon 'stops short of calling for' and what he 'ferverently believes,' as I read his brilliant columns, but now I realize that we have met the Enemy and I am he."

Malloy was asked if he could implement the changes McMahon recommended instead of quitting. It was then that he made his most stunning declaration: "I'd like to see Dave McMahon and Brad Prendergast annointed as co-Popes of Notre Dame. Only brave men like Brad and Dave can dismantle the rigid sexual codes at Notre Dame and provide every red-blooded Irish man with Claudia Schiffer (or a derivation thereof)." Malloy would not cease praising McMahon, his voice rising to meet the occasion: "Only they are fit to hand out condoms and teach students about bestiality. What do I know about kinky sex and the need for it at ND? Only they have the power to stop rape, power and misogyny fostered here for so long by people like me. Oh, my shame!" McMahon's ideas have reverberated throughout the Notre Dame community. At the Law School, Professor Charles Rice was publicly tarred and feathered and then drowned in St. Mary's Lake. These steps were explicitly recommended by McMahon, authorized by Malloy and carried out by Dean David Link, '58, '61. "I think now is the time to hand over control of the law school to the Observer editorial staff. From now on, Kathy Schiebel will teach Contracts. Campus journalists are wise and they took a stand against rape, power and misogyny, while we stood by as powerful, misogynistic rapists. Even though I'm against the death penalty, I'm willing to drown Rice if that's what they want." "Also, I will be taking credit for this later, as well as the passage of the 14th Amendment." Link continued to cite McMahon's charges against Rice, "After all, you can't have professors running inquisitions. I had no idea Rice had been dragging students into his office and torturing them to get them to confess their sins. Taking students out to South Quad and burning them at the stake? I don't think that was very Christian of him, or very ethical. I should know because I teach a comprehensive six-week course on ethics." Professor Rice is reported to have died bravely, killing over thirty student senators with a lethal barrage of jabs and hooks (as well as West citations of canon law). He reportedly asked if McMahon knew how stupid he sounded asking for a "hands off" student sexuality policy. "I'll tell you what a 'hands-off' policy would do to his sex life!" shouted Rice as his head slipped below the waves. McMahon could not be reached for comment, as he was reported to be dancing with joy at reading The Inquisition's exclusive about Fred Kelly going to Hell. From his window, though, you could hear him shout, "I'm so glad he's in hell!" and "I can't wait to have sex now that Monk is gone!" over and over again. When advised of McMahon's remarks, his girlfriend collapsed into paroxysms of laughter and had to be rushed to St. Joseph's Medical Center. Father Malloy will live out his days in a small CSC farm in Davenport, Iowa, where he will wail and gnash his teeth because of the mental anguish in which McMahon has imprisoned him. The McMahon-Prendergast Administration will begin at dusk, unless Prendergast is still too busy being rejected from Columbia.