by Dave McMahon

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain. Do you hear it? That's the sweeping current of homophobia and gay-bashing at Notre Dame, promulgated by faculty members, carried by the student community, and endorsed by Pope John Paul II in his encyclical, "No More Gays At Notre Dame, Ever." This blemish of intolerance must be excised. Kill the intolerant! Kill them now! I do not wish to point fingers here, but you, the reader, are solely responsible. We have not spoken up enough to stem the bleating tide of venomous, bleating skreed that bleats through the bleating horns of bleatworthy bleaters. And you know what those bleaters have done? They have assaulted a persecuted group! Well, no imminent threat of physical contact was present, but you know what I mean. They made them feel really bad!

By ascribing homosexuality to a disorder, Notre Dame's hopes for progression are ruined forever. We have returned to a medieval state, and we will all be obliged to fight on behalf of wealthy landowners before the decade is out. The student body continues to act like a stunned calf as we all stand here mindlessly chewing our proverbial cud, as well as bleating. And worst of all, the supposed head of this Catholic university calls the very lives of our gay and lesbian community into question by issuing an anti-discrimination statute. Is he insane? I'm not trying to cast judgement here, but I damn Father Malloy to Hell.

First of all, let us dispense with ceaseless babble about how students should follow a higher moral code. Fuck higher moral codes. And what is the deal with the rambling monologues? I demand editorials in the form of a question. Right Reason presents as much of a problem to Notre Dame as the militia movement, and the bombing of Grace Hall is imminent. Where's Janet Reno when you need her? And Charles Rice is a tiresome lawyer who throws bits and pieces of puzzles into a semi-conscious student populace. I know, because I saw him do it on South Quad last Friday, and someone almost got hurt. While I stop shy of requesting that the University reign in these fascists, I also damn Charles Rice and Right Reason to Hell. In conclusion, the University needs to show some tolerance and Christian love by executing every last fucking one of them. Remember when Amnesty and GLND/SMC confronted the University and embarassed them really bad? We shall overcome some day. The administration is just throwing smoke, while the brave three members of College Democrats not only add to their resumes, but add fire to the flames. BURN DOWN O'SHAG! There is only one appropriate way for the University to respond to this mess, and that is to allow unprotected sex throughout the ND/SMC community. And don't forget about bestiality. Gotta have bestiality. Also, the University should integrate anti-harassment seminars into the brains of first-year students, preferably including unprotected sex and bestiality. Most importantly, the University should revisit the Catholic Church's stringent moral codes in relations to student sexuality, and reject those codes outright. In fact, Notre Dame should reject the Catholic Church altogether and embrace the Dark Side. You know why? Because continuing to do so would inflict actual harm on its students. Sell the sucker to Time Warner and you'll be saving five lives a day. And think of the fringe benefits, like a kick-ass gift shop, free HBO and a new-found appreciation for violent gangsta rap. And don't forget bestiality. Gotta have bestiality. We would be better off as a community if the University would just go away. We need to focus on the real issues of rape, power and misogyny. Ummm, rape, power and misogyny. In conclusion, let us embrace acceptance, tolerance, diversity and personal growth by physically abusing every one who disagrees with me.