SOUTH BEND --- In a stunning announcement this Wednesday, U.S. News and World Report revealed that Notre Dame had risen nineteen places in the highly-touted "U.S. News and World Report Student ID Card" rankings.

The University Officers gathered in an old Grace Hall party room to watch the announcement last night. "This is proof that we are dedicated to being first class in everything we do," beamed Executive Vice President William Beauchamp C.S.C.

"Yeeeeessssss!" shouted University President Edward "Monk" Malloy, collapsing into a nearby bean bag.

New ID's were issued this year to address a number of concerns, including deficiencies with the old ID's, short lines at registration and "institutional ennui," explained ID project director Alma O'Rilley.

The brazen new design features many things students will remember from their old IDs, like a picture of the student, his name and signature and the University's name. There is also a brand new line ‹ stating that the new student ID does in fact, belong to a "student."

"That improvement alone justifies the switch," stated O'Rilley.

The new cards have vastly accelerated the lines at the dining halls. This is because the new cards, instead of being inserted into a machine and removed for meal approval, are now swiped through a machine for meal approval. "It's a quantum leap," explained Dining Hall manager William Yarbrough, "This University is definitely on the rise." Missing from the front of the ID is the ID number used to access campus services such as the computer labs. Once garishly featured on the front of the card in easy-to-read raised letters, the number has been moved to the back of the ID in the same type they use to print the 2,300 names of your high school senior class on a T- shirt. Student reaction has been mixed. Some students feel the new IDs are just what the doctor ordered, while others think the money could have been better spent on some more construction projects around campus. Student government also had diverse opinions. "I'm very pleased that the IDs were changed so quickly," said student body president Matt Griffin, "But, I am not pleased with the way the ID's have been changed." "The thing is, those IDs cost money and we definitely could have torn up the grass and trees in front of my dorm, rearranged the concrete walkways and then planted new grass and new trees," commented Fred Bush of Sorin Hall room 172, who was interviewed anonymously for this story. "I really wanted new, different sidewalks for my senior year." What seems most unusual about the ID switch is that the University is going to be changing them again in 1998. While most students are not yet aware of this, their IDs will be good for only about a semester, as plans to introduce the "DomerID2000" are set for this winter. That ID will be tattooed directly on every student and will consist of a digitized photo of the student, a bar code, the designation "student" and a detailed campus map. The ID stamp is expected to take up most of each student's right forearm and another copy will be on his lower leg. This ID will not be removable, except by a patented "Notre DameŒ" process. These new IDs will cost each student $100. "That is a small price to pay, considering how unlikely they are to be lost or stolen," explained Malloy, who could only be reached for comment when he was roused some three hours after the ID rankings were released. "But I am concerned that the new IDs will be seen as "exclusive" by students without right arms and legs. I have appointed a Standing Committee to examine the matter and possibly change the IDs in 1999." Students will be scanned by football ushers, women's dorm security guards, professors and administration officials. A bar-code reader will be at the entrance of every campus building as well as many local restaurants and bars. This will allow security to track individual students at all times. "This new ID will revolutionize personal safety at Notre Dame," explained Rex Rakow, Director of Campus Security. Bridget Maguire's Filling Station has not indicated that it will cooperate with the new scheme. "That's why we're going to destroy them," commented Rakow. "When DomerID2000 is a reality, we will be number one in student IDs," declared Beauchamp. In a related development, the "God Country, Notre Dame" inscription above the Memorial Door to the Sacred Heart Basilica will be replaced with "Notre Dame Œ -- America's Third Ranked Student ID Card."