From our briefs to yours

Rolf's reaches new heights in customer disservice ROLFS -- The 10,000 person to ask for help from the people at Rolf's was successfully turned away today. "We're just so proud that when Dan James from Keenan stopped by and asked for some hockey sticks, we told him that we only had basketballs and heat wraps. It's a great day for RecSports. Then we threw him out! Woo-hoo!" To date, not a single person has gotten to do what he wanted to at Rolf's.

J.P. Cooney plans London Chronicles FISCHER GRAD -- In response to The Inquisition's Februray Issue's article "I'm in Mexico, the rest of you suck," J.P. Cooney has taken to writing columns the purpose of which is to describe how different things are in London. While not what we had hoped for, it's better with all the cultural condescension you get from Bernadette Pampuch, or whatever her Mexican name is.

Spring romance infects COBA KEENAN --In a press conference on Tuesday, sophomore business major Dave McAllister has announced that junior business major Jennifer Morgan has spoken to him for the second time within a year. "I was sitting next to her at the COBA computer cluster, and she needed to get by, so she asked if I could move in. It was great," said McAllister. The first conversation between the two occurred on October 9, when Morgan asked if a seat in North Dining Hall was taken. Wav files of both conversations have been posted on McAllister's web page. Corpse of Caray slated for re-animation CHICAGO - The Cubs are preparing for Opening Day by having the bloated corpse of Harry Caray stuffed and mounted in the WGN-TV booth. Animatronic tenchnology involving strings and hinges will allow Caray to appear alive, or at least in the state he was last year. Comics from the club Zanies will provide the voice, and color man Steve Stone has offered to lean the body into the crowd for the singing of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame". Lingenfelser on hypocrisy LaFORTUNE -- On March 17, The Observer printed an article by Jeremy Lingenfelser titled, "ROTC at ND is not hypocritical, it's essential." This was prompted by Lingenfelser's conduct of the Matt Griffin scandal, during which he became the world's foremost authority on hypocrisy. Things get shaky KEENAN -- Things got a little shaky last night when junior Bart McCrory told a funny story that involved a Spring Break adventure. Things soon returned to normal. Also, in ZAHM, it was really hot a few days ago, and now it is cold. What the hell is going on?