Students and faculty alike were shocked by the announcement yesterday that Notre Dame will cease operating as an educational institution at the close of this year and undergo a $500 million renovation with the goal of reopening as an educational theme park by the fall of 2000.

"While this shift may seem drastic to some, it is the most effective way of dedicating ourselves to the goals of Catholicism, education and merchandising," said University President Father Edward Malloy.

"Those damn kids were getting so annoying," added former President Theodore Hesburgh.

The university has already joined with several corporations to sponsor rides and attractions. Domino's Pizza has agreed to fund "Jaws Of Death," an exciting virtual reality partial birth abortion experience.

"This way the kids will be thrilled as they are brainwashed," said Domino's chairman Tom Monaghan. Exxon will develop "Retrospective Movements," a salute to the legacy of the University featuring Audio Animatronic students. In a gesture of atonement for their controversial "Like A Prayer" commercial featuring Madonna, Pepsi will provide the support for the Country Trinity Jamboree. Eastman Kodak has agreed to build a fireproof kiosk around the Grotto for the Grotto Encounter, in which visitors can view the Grotto from the comfort of a heated moving walkway. The administration is not concerned by the fact that the lack of students will result in the end to Notre Dame's storied football program. "It was starting to blow anyway," said Vice President William Beauchamp. As an alternative, the University will provide character breakfasts in which kids will get to meet their favorite players of the past. As a form of compromise with Student Government, the administration will provide the current members with a small stipend to remain on campus and give the administration the opportunity to regularly turn down their proposals. "That's one thing we were going to miss," said Malloy. Call now for a vacation package at 219-631-5000 and rediscover the magic.