Campus notables gathered in the Morris Inn last week to congratulate Fred Kelly for being pissed off for a record 1,451st time in his Notre Dame career. This breaks the record set by Jack Reilly '31, who was subjected to weekly beatings by the Klu Klux Klan throughout his four years at Notre Dame.

The record-setting annoyance occurred when Kelly, visiting campus while on a rare furlough from Hades, learned that Father Theodore Hesburgh, CSC purchased a Big Gulp from 7-Eleven on December 8, 1971.

"In doing so, Hesburgh contributed 49 cents to the Southland Corporation, which invested it with the Bank of Houston, earning 6 cents interest. This interest was used in a loan to Norma McCorvey, who brought the case of Roe v. Wade six months later in an unrelated transaction. When will this nonsense stop?"

An unfortunate moment occurred when Professor Charles Rice presented Kelly with the gag gift of Land O' Lakes margarine, thus prompting a 46 minute diatribe. Fred Kelly later became angered by the Inquisition use of the play on Land o' Lakes eight times in this issue.

When asked what his future plans were, Kelly beat the Inquisition reporter for failing to bow his head at the "he was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man" segment of the Profession of Faith. "This kind of japery will not be tolerated by noble Christian warriors. YI-YI-YI-YI-YI! I am Xena, Warrior Princess!", screamed Kelly as he donned a metal breastplate. Aaron Krieder could not be reached for comment, because he is currently invovled in a speak-out concerning his recent failure to keep an arch-conservative out of his organiztion. "We're pretty sure he has short hair, a scapular and a girlfriend," said Krieder. "We will find him sooner or later, and then, we will dialouge with him." Father Hesburgh then notified Kelly that he was being removed from the University for the poor quality of his preaching. "This is not the first time one of our student journalists has engaged in preaching that was just a little too overboard--and also, his latest issue has more or less completely shown me up. The fact is, there are a lot more buildings named after me, so until there's a Kelly Memorial scourge and pillar or something, you can be sure that I will be here and he will be at a weather outpost above the arctic circle, by direction of the newest papal encyclical, 'De Rerum Natura' (which translates as 'Fred Kelly Must Go')." "You've already used that joke, too," replied Kelly.