The JACC -- Students will not have the opportunity to breathe during the West Virginia game next week. The Athletic Department has decided to put a stop to all negative cheering on the part of students.

Sports Information Director Mike Enright explained, "We have had enough complaints about students yelling, "sucks!" after the introduction of opposing teams, Ron Powlus and Jim Colletto. We decided to take action."

The action taken will be to suck all of the oxygen out of the Student Section shortly before the gates open.

"This will have the effect of killing any student who tries to enter the stadium and sit in his or her seat," continued Enright. "There will be no opportunity for the students to embarrass the University ever again."

"We had hoped to limit our response to the authorization of deadly force for Stadium ushers, but we decided this was not a time to be timid. Only the extermination of the students will suffice."

In response to an Inquisition request to interview Enright on the subject of "fighting the symptom, instead of the disease", Enright stated, "The students are the problem. They will be dealt with."

The modifications to the stadium necessary to suffocate the student body will cost $11 million and the expenditure will delay the renovation of St. Mary's Lake by one year. "We think it's worth it," explained Assistant Vice President for Residence Life Bill Kirk. "We've been looking for a complete solution to student profanity and we think this is it." "Also, this will save us all the money we were going to spend on castrating the male students to prevent premarital sex as well as the expense of lobotomizing all the students to prevent criticism of the offensive play-calling." Kirk then articulated Official University Policy, stating, "There's nothing we won't do to prevent anyone from being offended by anything. If you don't like the Golden Dome, just write us, we'll tear it down. Opposed to Christianity? Just call and we'll convert. If you want me dead, because my existence offends you, let me know and we'll be happy to cave in to all your demands. It's what we're here for." "We are known for being warm and welcoming and having a competitive athletic venue, and we think the absence of the students will help us promote that image more successfully. By the way, no tuition refunds will be given," Kirk concluded.