THE STADIUM -- Newly hired Offensive Coordinator Jim Colletto recently called his first strategically appropriate, successful offensive play.

The fullback trap up the middle on first and goal at the one resulted in a touchdown by Ken Barry. "I was thinking we should maybe roll Ron out of the pocket, and throw into coverage, because that's the way to recruit good wide receivers, but I eventually went with the fullback trap."

The successful play ended weeks of speculation about which, if any, of the women's inter-hall teams has less-intelligent play calling. "I'm really glad to have good players now, so people can see how good a coach I am," Colletto said. "Obviously, my players at Purdue sucked, and that's why we never won any games until about five seconds after I cleaned out my office."

Unfortunately for Irish fans, it was back to business as usual as Colletto began making up new variations on the pass to Autry in the flat, at our own twenty, on fourth and thirty-five, down by three touchdowns with six minutes to play. "Pretty soon, he's going to break loose on one of those and you will all see what a good coach I am."

Colletto also applauded the plans to eliminate the student body. "Notre Dame students didn't like me at Purdue and they like me less here. I don't understand what's wrong with them. It isn't my coaching, it's the players. They are to blame. I am a good coach and I will show it when I improve receiver recruiting at Notre Dame. We will not have to settle for guys like Tim Brown, Lake Dawson, Derrick Mayes and Randy Moss anymore."

Head Coach Bob Davie, when asked about the play, said, "I support Coach Colletto one hundred percent, and I'd like to thank him personally for showing a little sack. But you're right. He does suck."