MOGADISHU --- A group of Christian anthropologists working in Somalia recently announced their findings after ten years of studying tribal religions there and in parts of South America and Asia.

"They're bunk," said Charles Douglas, team leader and Nobel prize-winning anthropologist.

Apparently, the religions are primarily based on preposterous explanations for natural phenomena and a misguided belief that various human ceremonies affect the environment.

"You would not believe some of the idiotic things these people do to make it rain," laughed Douglas, "They dance naked around a fire, pierce themselves and every now and then, for no apparent reason, one of them ties himself to a pole and sets it on fire."

Other activities of the tribe include killing sick children, alternative families and smearing strange paints all over their bodies. "Sometimes, they actually cut pictures into their own skin," reports Douglas. Such ideas come from what one of Douglas' assistants calls, "a completely child-like and essentially unintelligent approach to the world." The scientists have brought a merciful end to the wacky beliefs of the tribesmen, who now worship Jesus. "We taught them to understand how foolish their beliefs were and now they are soldiers in the army of Christ." Some resistance was encountered in the process, necessitating the slaughter of about a third of the Somali population, but it was "well worth it" according to Douglas. "Even now, they are preparing to march south away >from their homelands and proselytize the unfaithful in their country. With deadly force if necessary." The self-styled Scientific Brigadier General of the Peace in Jesus' Militia is moving to Nairobi, Kenya, where he intends to debunk some more foolish African religions. "They must eat His body and drink His blood or face eternal damnation at the hands of the Master of Darkness," Douglas declared, "Any reasonable person can see that."