[Editor's Note: This is the first in a series of columns by Fred Kelly, who was condemned to eternal torment two weeks ago.]

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! HELP ME!!!!!!!!!! HERE THEY COME AGAIN!!!! NOOOO MORE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!! OOOOOHHHHHH NOOOOOO LEAVE ME ALONE!! NOT MY EYES!!!! NOOOOOO HELP ME PLEASE SAVE ME SOMEONE AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME KIND OF MISTAKE!!!! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!! PLEASE LET ME GO! AAAAAAHHHHHH. NO MORE WHIPS PLEASE!!!! I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK INTO THE FIRE PITS!!!! HAVE MERCY!!!! NOOOOOO AHHHHHH HELP!!!!! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!! I'M A REPUBLICAN!!!! I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!!!! AHHHHHHHH! WHERE ARE ALL THE GAY PEOPLE???? THEY'RE THE ONES YOU WANT!!!! AHHHHHHH NOOOOO AAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHH! I WANT MY MOMMY!!! LET ME GO YOU DEMONS!!!! IF YOU DO ANYMORE OF THIS YOU'LL GO TO. . . OHHHHH NOOOOOOOO! AHHHHHHH! HELP. . . .

[Mr. Kelly's comments have been edited for clarity]