NORTH DINING HALL -- The campus was stunned today as Lindsey Keller announced that she has a full weekend of dangerous binge drinking planned.

The announcement came as Keller was eating dinner with a few friends in North Dining Hall.

"I am going to get so wasted this weekend," Keller declared.

Reaction among Keller's friends was mixed. Susie Tweed felt that Keller was fully justified in planning a weekend of excessive, abusive drinking and indicated that she too, might engage in dangerously high levels of alcohol consumption this weekend.

"Right on," stated Tweed, "I'm getting trashed right after class on Friday and I'm getting blasted before the game too."

Others, like Keller's roommate Shannon Devries, felt that this announcement indicated possible trouble. "The last time Lindsey got drunk, she was puking all night in our room and it stunk." Still even Mailer admitted that Keller's plans meant fun as well. "It was pretty crazy when she was talking to her shoe rack for half an hour before passing out. Also, she made a pass at the bouncer at Bridget's, which was really funny," Mailer explained. Around the campus, there were equal quantities of joy and anger at Keller's announcement. Representatives of FlipSide indicated that Keller may have a bad influence on underclassmen in her dorm. "As a junior, Lindsey should realize her responsibility to participate in completely lame 80s dances. Her public commitment to intoxication is very disappointing." Keller's announcement created joy across campus, when word reached the Fisher Hall room of Lindsey's boyfriend, who was interviewed anonymously for the story. He was overjoyed at Keller's announcement. "Lindsey is pretty shy about hooking up and things," he explained, "but when she get drunk she lets it all hang out, if you catch my drift." David Gordon and Tom Daniels, the boyfriend's roommates, expressed confidence that their roommate would be "getting some this Friday." They also indicated disappointment with Keller's no-sober-sex policy. "It's wrong for a girl to only give it up when she's drunk. It's like, so misleading. You know?"