LAFORTUNE -- Notre Dame's 156th student body President has announced that effective immediately, Student government will be handed over to the private sector.

Peter Cesaro, elected last week, announced the stunning shift in policy on the steps of the Administration building, just second before he was arrested by ND security for climbing over the fence.

Brandishing Atlas Shrugged and continuing to read his press release as he was dragged away by the guards, Cesaro stated, "The bloated bureaucracy of student government is no more! Independent contractors and honest, capitalist competition will make ND student government rich beyond the dreams of avarice! Rich, I tell you!"

The reaction from the administration was muted. Bill Kirk, Assistant Vice President for Student Affairs stated, "It appears that another of our student leaders has gotten the idea that 'student government' means real government of students instead of what it actually means, 'resume filler.'" Nevertheless, a detailed press release indicated that Wal-Mart had turned in the lowest bid for ND student government and could be expected to take over as soon as this Wednesday. LaFortune will be turned over to the giant corporation, which intends to "show the responsiveness of a private organization by catering to students needs by driving out mom-and-pop businesses with a giant hypermarket." "Whatever," remarked Kirk. Jeremy Lingenfelser immediately called for Cesaro removal, however, as the only person in attendance at Cesaro Main Building ceremony, he too was dragged away by the police. There is no word yet on whether or not Lingenfelser has the requisite number of signatures to force a vote on Cesaro's Presidency or how long it will take before the impeachment proceedings are forgotten. Despite the fact that Lingenfelser's call for impeachment proceedings against Cesaro was completely ignored, the Observer ran a front page story on him. President Clinton's actual impeachment was on page 8 following part 52 of a 100-part exploration of St. Mary's gender studies program. Constitutional Guru Brendan Kelly was asked about the feasibility of Cesaro's plan. "I'm a senior, ok, I don't care anymore. Call Scalia, quit annoying me," explained Kelly.