Washington DC -- The Monica Lewinsky story broke through yet another layer of Presidential security yesterday when Bill Clinton himself came forward to address the charges. President Clinton issued the following prepared statement:

"The simple fact is, and the American people deserve to know this, I never ejaculated in the presence of Ms. Lewinsky. It isn't sex if you don't ejaculate, now is it?" said Clinton.

"I realize it's bad and I shouldn't have caused pain in my internship program this way. No one regrets this more than Monica and I do."

"The funny thing was, I couldn't. I tried but it was just to hard. This is not to say Monica is not a good girl. It was what we call in Arkansas a 'fellation conflagration' down there. But I just couldn't. My desire to be honest with the American people demands that I tell you this."

President Clinton was asked if he was lying when he said he had, "no sexual relationship" with Ms. Lewinsky. "Of course not," said Clinton. "You're not smoking pot until you inhale and you're not having a 'sexual relationship' until you release yourself. I think that's perfectly clear." When asked if he had failed to ejaculate in the presence of other White House employees, the President invoked executive privilege. "I cannot comment on that or any other matter within the purview of independent counsel Starr's investigation. However, independent counsel Starr is part of a vast right-wing conspiriacy to deny me so much as some basic frottage for as long as I am in office and I resent that breach of ethics very strongly." "It's not like anyone got hurt here. It was just a 37 night, almost-ejaculating-but-never-actually-doing-it-type of hanging out relationship. Monica is a talented young woman with a bright future in the witness protection program." "I think she should be honest with the American people and disclose our joint sexual failure publicly. Then, we can get back to the people's business, or at least back to business." Mike McCurry elaborated on the President's statements saying, "I believe everything the President is saying now and everything he has said in the past." Shortly thereafter McCurry exploded.