"We just weren't getting anywhere," says PSA Pres. Aaron Krieder.

GOD QUAD -- In what is widely expected to be its boldest move yet, the Progressive Student Alliance has left Notre Dame in search of greener pastures.

The eleven member organization left quietly Monday morning, but not for drawing some inspiring chalk art on the campus sidewalks.

PSA President Aaron Krieder explainied the move.

"One of the key things we hope to do as Progressives is change. As Sheryl Crow would say, a change will do you good. When we realized that some of us had been here at Notre Dame, stagnant, for years, we decided it was important for us to go somewhere else. Peace out, you know."

When asked where the PSA was headed, Krieder remaked, "I have no idea. Where's my papaya drink?"

LAFORTUNE -- Notre Dame's student government is gearing up for another year of laughable proposals, failed events and general irrelevance. "We think we're going to get more social space, better laundry facilities and we'd like to increase interaction and improve gender relations. Or fail to do so," stated Student Body President Peter Cesaro. Cesaro had no comment when he was informed that these were the goals of the past eighteen student government administrations. Cesaro also expressed interest in adding twenty thousand seats to the stadium, but was later informed that had already been done. The Inquisition didn't reply to his request for a Burger King in the Huddle, preferring to let him keep some of his illusions. "I took the money and ran," said Griffin. After a tumultuous year of impeachment inquiries and constant harassment by Jeremy Lingenfelser, Matt Griffin got the last laugh on the LaFortune illiterati by taking $66,000 extra bucks and flushing them down the student government toilet. "Next I'm going to get alzheimers, and be remembered as a great man," Griffin explined. Peter Cesaro, deeply concerned that the unavailability of these funds will hurt his chance to waste more time and money than ever before, sternly condemned Griffin's actions. "What a fairy," Cesaro stated. Griffin could not be reached for comment, as he is living it up in Northern California on the student government's nickel. The Gipp has not been funny since 1994-1995. It does not appear that Scholastic "Published every time we feel like it" Magazine is capable of locating another reasonably funny person to do the Gipp's column. Go figure.