GRACE HALL -- Consistent with its tradition of advancing the social teachings of the Church wherever and whenever possible, the University of Notre Dame has decided to deal only with those Asian and Latin American sweatshops that enforce parietals rigorously.

University Executive Vice-President William Beauchamp announced the move in a rambling diatribe delivered to his cat, Murphy, in Alumni Hall.

"We feel it is important that, as a Catholic University, we do our utmost to ensure that we uphold the teachings of the church. Therefore, all of the employees making six bucks a week will be segregated by sex each weeknight at midnight and each weekend night at 2am."

"They will keep working, of course, but they will not be working in a mixed-gender environment, certain to breed wanton lust and rampant perversion."

The Universtiy Community applauded the move. Professor Abraham Stevens of the Theology Department explained, "It's very important that we, as Catholics, make sure that slave wage laborers are not tempted to spend their pathetic paychecks on birth control. Birth control is a violation of Church Law, and also, an impediment to growing more workers to produce clothing embossed with the copyrighted "interlocking ND". Sorin Junior Fred Bush saw the matter in a different light. "I think it's important to keep these penniless people crushed by their fertility as well as their poverty, but I think they should also share in other aspects of the Catholic experience at Notre Dame, like distant parking and surly security personnel. Let's send Rex Rakow down there for awhile and see how they like it." The University will make the policy prospective only and is now looking for sweatshops that not only feature large amounts of disposable laborers, but he kind of facilitites that guarantee extremely limited gender interaction." "We'll probably have to demand these people leave their families and live and the plant," explained Beauchamp, "at their homes, men and women often share living quarters, resulting in unparalleled sinfulness."