LAFORTUNE--Heather Cocks announced today that The Observer, the independent newspaper serving Notre Dame and Saint Mary's was giving up its charter as a general interest newspaper in order to concentrate exclusively on issues pertaing to homosexuals at Notre Dame.

"We just feel that since we have no other interests as journalists or, really, as people, we should just stick to covering gay issues," said Cocks.

The paper's "Women's News" will be changed to "Lesbian News" and run once a week, indicating the paper's belief that women are 20% as important as the rest of humanity.

The Inside Column will run the risk of copyright suits from The Inquisition yet again, as it changes its name to "The OutSide Column." It will continue to be a brief elaboration on a truism or a pointless story, but now a strident lesbian manifesto will be incoporated into every column. "I'll still get to write a lot," said Colleen Gaughen, "but I want to have time to burn books too."

The regular news section will concentrate exclusively on Father Garrick, GLND/SMC, John Blandford, the Administration's failure to add a "non-discrination" clause and "Progressive Student" protests on the issue of homosexuals at Notre Dame. There will also be a Jumble. "In many ways this just recognizes the paper we've been for three or four years now, with the exception of the Jumble," said Cocks. There was some dissent in the newspaper's soon-to-be-vacated LaFortune offices. Matt Loughran felt the move could render moot his five years of relentless attendance at CLC meetings and his detailed coverage of bylaw changes. "Don't worry," Cocks told Loughran, "you can still go to their meetings when they talk about people of the same sex having sex with each other. That still accounts for about 90%. Now go make me a turkey pot pie, snooky, and maybe I'll share it with you." Loughran did not explain why he was wearing a leash. Heather Mackenzie indicated her disapproval of the move more stridently, "Oh my God wow! I mean, who am I, Gloria Steinem? I don't want people to think just because I work for the Observer I'm gay! I mean, it would get Loughran to stop hitting on me, but come on! There's nothing wrong with having sex with boys if your a girl! Am I wrong? Stop looking at my pores! I do not have pores! My pores are cute!" Cocks fired Mackenzie immediately, citing her "hateful and discriminatory comments and indicating that they created an "unwelcoming environment" for the activist from ACT-UP who will assume full editorial control of the Observer this friday." Cocks also complained about the poor quality of Mackenzie's preaching. The sports depatment will be eliminated, except for lawn tennis. This is OK, because Joe Cavato's articles have always had "masculine" overtones, said Cocks. "No comments are necessary concerning Gene Brtalik coming to the end of his road of harassing columns," she continued. In it's place will be a "perspectives section" which will include, "one thing you can do each day to understand your own latent homosexuality," explained P. Colleen Nugent, believed to be a cheap Malaysian knockoff of Colleen Gaughan. There will be no changes to the Accent section. Except for the Jumble.