SOUTH DINING HALL -- Angered by the Dining Hall's use of styrofoam trays, student protested outside SDH last week.

"Progressive" student leader Aaron Krieder announced that he was very pleased with the "pro-active nature of the rally."

"People on this campus need to wake up and realize that they can maintain their level of unspeakable comfort and still feel good about themselves by inventing fictitious issues about which to vent their frustration at not having Sega in the dorm room. SEGA!"

Krieder acknowledged that styrofoam was, by and large, recyclable, that it was a cheap material which makes many products available to people who could not otherwise have them.

"But the bottom line is, we've got ours and now it's time to be ecologically 'conscious' on the backs of those that have less. Now that I have an air conditoned car and apartment, it's time to cut back on the environmental damage done by others to improve their standard of living. I will be the judge of what envioronmental damage is cost justified. Please hand over the styrofoam so I may have my coffee."

"Yeah!" replied his fellow protestors.

[Editor's note: In order to enforce The Inquisition's strict "no damn profanity" rule, we have reserved comment on the "progressive" student who wondered why the Dining Hall had not "dialouged" with students about the choice of trays. We here at The Inqusition fully intend to transfer the day the Dining Hall calls us up and says, "chicken or fish tonight, meeting at 2:30." Could everyone please be quiet? Our head hurts.]

Students involved in the protest were observed wearing: Gap jeans made by Thai children with as many as seven of their fingers as yet uncaught in the machinery Nike shoes made by Vietnamese mothers who make eight cents a week Gucci shoes costing enough to feed a Mozambiquan family for a year (with styrofoam soles) North Face outerwear with sufficient cold protection for the Himalayas, obtained at a cost that would buy entire tracks of land in Rwanda (featuring styrofoam) Citizen watches symbolic of their status as the wealthiest people who have ever lived. (the dial was made out of styrofoam)

The University has responded by offering new ecologically sound whole-grain trays featuring genuine asbestos. Following the protest, the students went inside SDH where they ate their dinners. They were observed consuming: Beef, which requires about 100 times as much grazing land to produce as grain products. Milk, obtained by the inhumane treatment of cows, who are forced to live their lives in conditions scarcely better than the kids who make the Nikes. Turkey, in the words of Fiona Apple: "The most beautiful and innocent of birds." All three animals dined on a multigrain-styrofoam feed before being slaughtered. Also, each protester was observed to leave about 20% of their food on their tray before they left SDH. On the year, that amount of food could save the lives of a thousand Bangladeshi children, or, in the alternative, ten Bengal Bout letter jackets.