The tabloids have officially proclaimed Sarah Ferguson as their next celebrity to be tortured and killed in their continuing program.

"Fergie hasn't done anything interesting for a while, and we're sick of publishing hot new diet secrets from Melissa Joan Hart", said Star editor Deborah Norville.

The tabloids will accomplish their mission by insinuating against Fergie a series of eating disorders, each more intricate than the last.

"The bitch won't know whether to barf or eat a Yo Cream," said National Enquirer news editor Mary Alice Williams. If this fails, the tabloids resolve to send paparazzi to harass Fergie and her latest boyfriend.

The tabloids admit that the fact that Fergie is too fat and unattractive to actually have dates could be a concern. "If all else fails, Kirk Cameron is in need of some work," said Weekly World News reporter Faith Daniels. Rupert Murdoch has placed a strict time limit of six months on the project and hopes the Star will be the first to bag the prey. As Murdoch explained, "It is imperative to distinguish our line of newspapers as not only covering the stars, but killing them too." Murdoch also announced plans to start scaring Ronald Reagan really bad and to purchase the LA Dodgers and move them back to Brooklyn, "just to mess with Bob Dole's mind." When reached for comment, the Fox News Channel expressed shock and dismay that anyone actually watches them.