NOTRE DAME -- University spokesman Fred Bush announced this week that University President Edward "Monk" Malloy C.S.C will father Octuplets in a University-sponsored publicity stunt this fall.

"We felt the decline of football was hurting us on the publicity front and damaging our standing as a Leading University," explained Malloy. "This should put us back on track as soon as possible."

Since Malloy is unable to actually give birth to the children himself, Doctor Eugene Seed, a leader in the field of human cloning, will be coming to the University to create Monk's brood.

"It [cloning] is the best way to become closer to God," said Seed, as really frightening music played in the background. "The sanction of Notre Dame will allow great discoveries to be made in this important area.

Dr. Seed did not comment on whether every discovery was an advance.

"We chose Octuplets because of the couple in Iowa that had the Septuplets," continued Bush. "Notre Dame's standing policy is to review what others are doing, and do just a little bit more of it, no matter what it is. That's how we stay ahead."

The project is expected to cost upwards of twenty million dollars which will be raised by a special "cloning fee" added to every student's tuition bill.

"We were going to file it under 'miscellaneous,' but that would defeat the purpose of calling attention to this forward-thinking move of the University's Administration," said Kevin McTeague, Director of Financial Services. Campus journalism has been electrified by the announcement, with the Observer devoting a four-part series to the ethical issues surrounding funding cloning with tuition versus funding it with federal grants. Other Univeristy publications taking interest in Malloy's announcement include Right Reason which has denounced Seed's anticipated presence, because of the cloning in part but mostly because he's Jewish. "We're just not going to tolerate heathens on this campus," said Fred Kelly, editor-in-chief of Right Reason and rugby devotee. "Also, we resent it when complex issues like the morality of human cloning interfere with our usual slate of articles explaining how people should act in Church." Common Sense explained that they would not be addressing the issue this semester as they have been running the same issue for approximately four years. "No kidding," said Ann Pettifer of Common Sense, "It's just the same twelve articles every time." Scholastic has no idea this is going on, but will bring everyone up to date on "SYR Adventures" as soon as it resumes publication, probably sometime in April. There will also be an unexpected shakeup in the theology department, which has made Dr. Seed its honorary chair for the duration of his visit. "I really wasn't having as much success telling the Magesterium to stick it as I used to," said Father Richard McBrien, former chair and Professor of theology, "but if this doesn't get their attention, nothing will." No immediate response from the office of Professor Charlie Rice could be obtained, but it is rumored that he has a Papal encyclical "right here on my desk" that resolves every point in the debate on human cloning, including seven specific violation of canon law being committed by Father Malloy in having babies. OWBNID interviewed Malloy about Rice's objections to cloning the University President eight times to draw attention to the University. OW: Father Malloy, why do you feel it's necessary to make eight more of you in Niewland? MM: Well, as everyone knows Notre Dame was ranked twenty first by U.S. News last year and we really think this gives us a chance to be at least, say, nineteenth, and that right there is a reason. OW: Do you think it's right to exploit the atypical event of a Roman Catholic priest having eight kids to draw attention to ND? MM: Hey, look what that Ellen Degeneres girl did for her TV show? Ratings through the roof. That's what I'm talking about. OW: What will you do for an encore? MM: I'm not really supposed to say this, but next year, I'm coming out. We figured people will forget by then that we copied that. OW: What will you name the kids? MM: We're going to do a poll on Jerry Springer. OW: Stop it. MM: No really we are. It's a national TV audience and we think it's just what the Doctor ordered, so to speak. OW: Thanks for your time. Dr. Seed's procedure is scheduled for early February, meaning that the Notre Dame Family will get a little bit bigger just in time for Halloween. NB: This is a humor column. Anyone who takes it even a little seriously will immediately become the subject of it. This really happened at IU, but we changed the names to protect the innocent. So Monk is not, technically speaking, going to be pregnant or gay, as far as we know.