NOTRE DAME, IN--University Vice-President Rev. William Beauchamp announced today Notre Dame's plans to purchase the city of South Bend for $20 million. The city will be demolished and converted into game-day parking.

In a prepared statement, Beauchamp related that "we're just sick of these people crowding our roads, using our facilities, breathing our air."

The administration has enlisted the help of South Bend police to dispossess the 90,000 residents of the city.

"There's not a house in the city that couldn't use some choice planted underage drinking, whores, crack, or underage drinking crack whores."

The city has received the full support of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia for this flagrant violation of constitutional rights. "Nothing in the actual text of the Constitution says you can't take over a city and expel it's populace. That means it's ok by me." The University hopes that the harassment will cause all the city's residents to "run until they can't run no more, or at least until they get to Goshen," said Beauchamp. If the harassment is unsuccessful, the University has received the support of President Clinton to begin a series of bombing raids. In return, Clinton will receive an honorary degree at the May graduation ceremonies (however, the president will not be allowed to speak, as the University has already lined up several anonymous Ivy League professors). After the raids are complete, the remaining citizens will be relocated to several new Centers for the Homeless in Auschwitz and Dachau, Germany. "We're very excited about the new parking lot, it will further the mission of the University of helping many people to park, and passing the savings onto you," said Beauchamp.