LAFORTUNE -- In a groundbreaking piece of investigative reporting, The Inquisition has learned that despite the fact that many student government officials claimed to be interested in improving the lives of other students during their campaigns, many have ulterior motives.

The story broke last night when Erek Nass released a statement asserting that Student Body Matt Griffin "actually doesn't give a damn about "connecting you." What he is interested in, is a choice internship with a former student government official on Capitol Hill."

Nass alleged that many government majors get into student government not because of any real feeling of public-spiritedness, but because they see it as a way to advance their own interests at the expense of others. "It's all just a big scam," he explained.

The campus reaction can be described in one word: shock. "I can't believe that people would say they really cared about improving the lines at the dining-hall when all they really wanted was to aggrandize themselves in the eyes of people interviewing them for DC internships," said Holly Gennaro, a Badin junior. "This is not what student government was supposed to be about," remarked Brendan Kelly, who had a large part in reorganizing the so-called Student Union, "It's just sad that ambitious, two-faced people are able to manipulate the system this way." Griffin responded to the charges from Nass in a profane voice mail message which demanded his resignation. Later, he released a public statement on pink, flowered stationery, indicating that, "You can't trust Eric; he always lies. It's because he's the devil." Griffin then ran out of battery power, and stopped speaking. While Nass did not make this explicit in his statement, an anonymous source confirmed that many people join student government because their social lives are simply pathetic. People who were bootlickers and mama's boys in high school feel like they're lost when they're not sucking up. So, they join student government to find some sort of identity for themselves. "It's sad but true," said Mike Zinser, a former member of ND student government. "We just don't have any point to our lives, so we take control of student government, waste time and resources for years and then graduate, leaving everything pretty much as we found it — hey why not? It looks great on a resume!" The Inquisition will keep you posted on this breaking scandal as soon as more information becomes available.