HEAVEN -- It was announced by the Apostle Peter today that Jesus Christ would judge the living and the dead. His judgment will take place at the end of time and the Inquisition has learned it will follow some sort of Parade involving the Saints.

Reaction from Notre Dame's student government was stern, with Student Body Matt Griffin indicating that the choice of Christ was not up to his expectations.

"When you go to Notre Dame, you don't expect to have just the Son of God to be your judge. You figure it will be someone a little more recognizable. God Himself might be a good judge, but Jesus is not really at Notre Dame's level. Matters of one's immortal soul are best left to Bill Cosby, or maybe Jerry Seinfeld," Griffin explained.

From his post at the gates of Heaven, Peter declared, "Jesus has commanded us to preach the Gospel to the people and to testify that He is the One whom God has appointed judge of the living and the dead. Everyone who believes in him will have his sins forgiven!"

Others were more strident in their criticism. Morrissey Senator Matt Szabo stated, "This is an insult to the students of the University. We've worked very hard for four years and now to ask us to sit and listen to someone who was Incarnated, thus sharing human frailty with us in the material world, is, frankly, insulting to me, personally."

Peter Cesaro also voiced concerns about the poor quality of the Saviour's preaching: "We heard complaints from the Corinthians and Ephesians. All of those parables, nobody understands them. Just get to the point, damn it! I mean, did the Ephesians ever write back? No! You know why? Because Paul's letters sucked." Student Body Vice President Andrea Selak tried to soften the blow of Szabo's words saying, "It's not that we don't think Jesus would be a good judge of the living and the dead, it's just that we were hoping for someone a little more, you know, well known." "Jesus might be good enough for Georgetown, or Catholic University, but this is Notre Dame, a national university with "now" students." Activist student Arron Krieder objected to the selection of Jesus on other grounds: "It's typical of the way the Universe is run. No discussions or dialouges were held on this matter. It's just "the man" or in this case, "the Supreme Being," putting down the people. Myself and my organization will remain silent until the end of time as a protest for the unilateral and discriminatory actions of the self-proclaimed Judge of the Living and the Dead." It was at that point that Jesus decided to comment on the matter, responding to Krieder by stating, "It is you who have said it." Krieder promised a poorly attended speak out would be held outside during foul weather in front of an audience of no fewer than three people who want to embarrass the Univeristy with their comments about Jesus. God refused to comment on the matter when he had his daily meeting with the reporters on the staff of the Inquisition. He did hint broadly, however, that the decision to have his Only Son judge all souls at the end of time would be, is now and always has been "final." Jerry Seinfeld did not return the Inquisition's phone calls.