Notre Dame Builds Monument to Self

EAST QUAD -- Notre Dame's new Rolfs fitness center was inaugurated last week, opening yet another building dedicated to the advancement of ND to the exclusion of those who are not ND.

"I'm really glad we were able to spend 5 million dollars on a building dedicated to the improvement of our collective physical appearances here at Notre Dame," said Father Malloy at the inauguration ceremony. "I think the motto will be 'Notre Dame and Rolfs -- keeping the chicks thin at ND without the use of hazardous eating disorders!' "

The massive facility is packed with fitness equipment, some of it (we are not kidding here) equipped with televisions, so that Notre Dame students no longer have to exercise in the entertainment-starved and urine-soaked atmosphere of the Rock.

Father Bill Beauchamp elaborated. "It's just wrong that Notre Dame students should exercise with only walkmans and not TV. A girl needs her Plinko - I know that as well as anyone else. Let me tell you, doing ab crunches to LeeAnn Rimes whining about how she should live really sucks. I don't give a rat's ass how you live, snookums, just get the hell off of my lawn," said Beauchamp. "Now Notre Dame students will be number one in exercise gratification in the next U.S. News and World Report survey."

"We thought, yeah, we could spend the money on the poor, but then we said, naw, the hell with that. We decided that it would be easier to make the alumni feel guilty and do the service work for us. That way, we could spend the money on what we really love. . . us," continued Malloy. The Rolfs Center, the second building on campus to be named 'Rolfs' is, appropriately enough, a great place for ND students to play the proverbial bass fiddle in the Bitter Sweet Symphony of life. There are badminton courts, pool tables, ping pong, stairmasters, a check-in desk -- basically everything a person needs to aggravate our society's celebration of the physical and corporeal to the exclusion of all things spiritual and meaningful. "Look, you can build a 5 million dollar center for the improvement of a student's mind or soul, but face it, who's going to go? Plus, what alumni will sponsor a healthy soul? DeBartolo? Yeah, right," explained Beauchamp, "We want a place for the Notre Dame student to play, so he won't have time to wonder why his education is five times more expensive than the same education at a school without Rolfs. Look at this check-in desk! Its wood is made from finely ground Chilean immigrants!" Following the first semester of use, the Rolfs Center will be demolished to make room for the Auxillary Hesburgh Center for University Hesburgh Centers, where representatives from Hesburgh Centers on other campus will meet to discuss concerted actions for positive change and the development of more buildings with triangular roofs that are never used but you still cannot park at. There is also a track at Rolfs, for people who didn't want to run until someone spent 5 million dollars buying them a place to do so. While Rolfs is not equipped with televisions around the track, Student Body President Peter Cesaro is looking into buying some out of his $320,000 fun budget. A clock for the timing of laps is expected to be all that it takes to distract students from the unfairness of parietals during the time it takes them to run 1/10th of a mile and come back to the start of the track. "I mean, the student will stop thinking about football ticket prices and say, 'hey, a clock!' after each lap! They'll think they're somebody important. Hey there, mister, why the long face? You have value. You deserve a clock," explained Malloy. "The main thing to get across here, is we love us; us, the Notre Dame family, and we will spare no expense to make us look good -- face it, what's on the inside doesn't count because it's not factored into the U.S. News survey. Hopefully, Rolfs will be the first step in creating a master race that will place Notre Dame in a position of leadership among the nation's universities. Irish uber alles!"