SOUTH BEND -- Alumni Hall freshman Eugene Powers recently defeated several layers of complex security procedures to secure entry to a local drinking establishment.

Bridget Maguire's security force was "dazed" following the incident, stated Fred Bush, owner of Bridget's and former South Bend Police officer. "We just can't believe anyone not above the legal drinking age could get past the security forces we've posted at every entrance to our bar."

Making matters worse for the already chagrined staff at Bridget's, Powers had apparently never been to a bar before and was terrified the whole time.

"I was really scared. I mean, I just got this fake and it doesn't really look like me at all. But my friends told me to do it so I decided it must be OK," Powers explained.

Powers' friends walked to Bridget's around 10:30, jawing playfully with the occupants of the houses on Eddy street, who were sitting on their front porches enjoying the cool fall breeze and some Malt Liquor. As they approached Bridget's, Powers became nervous, but his ID received only a cursory glance and despite the fact that it was, in truth, just a king of spades, Powers was admitted to Bridget's.

Once admitted, he purchased half a dozen beers and was seen throwing up in the corner behind the pool tables by about 11:30. Fighting on gamely, he straggled back to the bar where he encountered a young woman who began kissing him and dragging him up to the "tables."

"The tables is where I became a man," Powers related. "I can't believe she wanted on me so bad." Powers best friend agreed that the girl did indeed, "want on Powers," but also observed that she was, "beat man, and I mean beat -- Eugene was a casualty of beer goggles."

Powers expressed some reluctance about returning to Bridget's, because he "really, really hopes" he never again encounters the young woman who made a man of him at the tables. "I don't remember a bit of what she looked like and I don't need to find out," Powers explained.

"I'm hoping to get into CJ's next week, although I'll need a new fake since we lost the king of spades playing euchre last week." That announcement has put CJ's on full alert. The owner, also a former South Bend Police Officer, has indicated that he intends to stop Powers at the door, "unless he has valid identification stating that he is of legal age."

The Inquisition will keep you posted on this fast breaking story.