ND Inquisition: Dec. 15 News in Brief

From our briefs to yours

December 5 --Notre Dame President Monk Malloy announced the sale of South Quad to Meijer, Inc. for $25 million. Meijer plans to develop a "hypermarket" on the site. "It just seemed so natural to have a place where football fans and alums can buy TVs and washing machines on their way to the game," said president Tim Meijer. At Malloy's request, students will not have access to the store.

November 30 -- Common Sense was released this week. There was no reaction of any kind by anyone. The Inquisition acquired the rights to the lead story and is reproducing an excerpt here for the benefit of those who don't care about Notre Dame's left wing newspaper.

"Blah blah blah, the poor, blah blah blah, the Pope, blah blah blah Feminism."

Common Sense, when questioned anonymously, revelaed that they have actually been running old issues for several years now. "I mean, what's the difference? Nobody ever seems to care what I think about the Pope's inner sex life, I don't know what's wrong with people these days," said Ann Pettifer, OverMistress of the newspaper.

December 1 -- Notre Dame President Monk Malloy announced the sale of O'Shaughnessy Hall to St. Joseph's High School for $500,000. "The dimensions just work out perfectly," said Malloy. The College of Arts and Letters will take up temporary residence in trailers strewn about South Quad.

November 18 -- Notre Dame President Monk Malloy announced the sale of the Huddle to Ruth's Chris Steak House. "The kids wanted more chain restaurants, so here you go," said Malloy. Ruth's Chris announced plans to grill all the burgers in butter and charge $30 for each one. "It's the butter you know, mmmm butter," said company founder Ruth's Chris.

December 2 -- Viewers were alarmed last Thursday when the Menard's guy appeared motionless and frozen in space for 10 seconds before WSJV cut back to "The Simpsons". Although WSJV contends that it was a tape malfunction, sources close to Menard's reveal that the pitchman had suffered a nervous breakdown seconds before the commercial went on the air and was in a state of catatonia. "It's the banjo music, you know. All those items to sell and that damn banjo music, it never stops," said close friend and longtime companion Pencil-Drawn Dairy Queen Guy. A technician at the studio informs the Inquisition that he sensed trouble the night before, when the Menard's guy lunged at accompanist Roy Clark moments after the commercial ended. Guy attempted to slam the banjo over his head, saying "Where's Buck Owens now, fat boy?" before he was restrained by security.

The Notre Dame Law School's Mock Trial team has been cited by the city of South Bend for practicing oral advocacy. Head Crimestopper Dave Shock alleges the team of practicing such "lewd and disgusting acts" as demanding specific performance and tortfeasing. "You can tortfease all you want in the privacy of your own home, but not in public," said Shock.

November 25 -- Students rallied to end parietals on the Fieldhouse Mall, because A) they have nothing in their heads and B) they can't find anyone to have sex with, so they stand out in the cold and complain about a policy that has never once prevented anyone from getting some. "We want to study before our 10 o'clock classes," said Fred Bush of Sorin Hall. After a bystander explained the concept of LaFortune to Mr. Bush, the rally was disbanded quietly.

December 7 -- Noted philosopher Alasdair MacIntyre has awarded Encyclopaedia a bye in the annual tournament between Three Rival Versions of Social Inquiry. "The classy extra 'a' in Encyclopaedia is what did it for me," said MacIntyre. Encyclopaedia will meet the winner of Genealogy-Tradition on Apr. 8 at the RCA Dome in Indianapolis to crown a champion. That champion will then take on Beth Swiney for the title of Champion of Moral Enquiry. USA Today oddsmaker Danny Sheridan already has Swiney as a 25-point favorite. Bob Barker's proposal of having all three versions spin the Big Wheel for cash and prizes has been rejected outright. "I haven't felt so low since Janice Pennington stopped being hot," said Barker.

December 4 -- Officials of St. Joseph and Elkhart counties celebrated the 50th car totravel the US 31 Bypass on Saturday. The lucky passenger was Debbie Calhoun of Plymouth. "I was trying to get to Meijer and I guess I got lost," said Calhoun. In a ceremony, the officials praised the existence of the Bypass as a way of relieving the congestion of the "insanely popular" Scottsdale Mall-farmlands south of Elkhart corridor. "Everybody loves to shop Montgomery Ward, and we needed to help them get there," said project mangers Tim Scott and Don Ward.

The editors of the Inquisition have announced their plans to double the amount of inside jokes for the upcoming year. "If you know us, it's really funny," said Scruff. Scruff clarified that this statement should not be interpreted as an intention to get to know more readers.