NORTH QUAD -- Stanford Hall has declared the month of March to be "Alcohol Disorder Awareness Week." The announcement was made at a 3rd floor dorm party last weekend.

"Drinking disorders affect men more than women and since we're an all-male dorm, we thought it was important for us to pay attention to our own kind on this one," explained Stanford Hall senior Mike Shrekgast.

"Apparently, some people were exhibiting a serious lack of understanding of how to handle alchol," stated Shrekgast. Some people were refusing to drink any at all, and others, you would not believe, drink a perfectly good amount and then throw it up."

"The need to raise awareness could not be clearer."

Shrekgast and his loyal band of Stanford Studs intend to roam the campus, especially the coffee shops, chapels and libraries, gathering students who need to drink but refuse to.

"You can identify them pretty easily," said Brian Cloud, an associate of Shrekgast." They are emaciated people, who don't seem to be having any fun at all. Sometimes, they have books. I know this is shocking, but it is going on right here on this campus."

"We see Notre Dame as a breeding ground for drinking disorders due to academic competitiveness," continued Cloud. "Some people feel like they should trade B.A.C. for G.P.A. We're here to let them know that is a misleading sterotype."

Student Government decided to sponsor the week immediately. "We sponsor weeks without discrimination," stated Peter Cesaro, Student Body President. "It is vital that concerned students like those at Stanford can call our attention to the failure of some of our students to hold their liquor."

Stanford will sponsor a lecture series on drinking disorders, beginning with Observer columnists David Freddoso and Aaron Kheiraty.

"We think those guys are a perfect example of religious thinking getting in the way of alchol consumption. They've been talking about marriage out in front of the chicks -- we can't have that man. The Notre Dame women are fixated on shiny rocks as it is -- you don't encourage them." said Shrekgast.

The group abandoned plans to bring John Belushi and Chris Farley to campus, upon learing that both former substance abusers were in fact dead. However, A film presentation entitled, "Drink that fuckin' beer" will be held in the LaFortune Ballroom at 7am this Saturday.

As for those who regurgitate the perfectly good alcohol they have consumed, Shrekgast proposes a different remedy.

"You've got to keep an eye on them -- make sure they aren't yakking in the bathroom -- or, if they are, they should rally like men and drink more. You just have to understand how many people are affected by drinking disorders. These are real people -- people who don't hook up, people who don't pass out, some people at this school have never done a kegstand -- it's that serious."

"Everyone needs to evaluate their drinking habits," said Cloud. "The key is, to drink a whole bunch, then keep it down. If you're not doing that, you're screwed up and should be thinking about how embarrassing it is for your parents to have such a wuss for a kid."