THE JACC --- A spokesman for athletic director Mike Wadsworth announced today that former Notre Dame head football coach Knute Rockne will be fired. The posthumous dismissal of the coach is believed to be the first in Notre Dame's history.

"Coach Rockne made a number of comments that were not consistent with the spirit of inclusion," explained the spokesman, "We also thought he was too popular with the students, alumni and a South Bend man who worked in his office seventy years ago."

Rockne's great-niece, Olga Rockne-Smithers, will be present at the half-time ceremony of the West Virginia game. Wadsworth will storm out of the tunnel, meet her at mid-field, and fire her.

There is no word as yet about Frank Leahy's status, although the office of the AD is "investigating" possible popularity and success on his part as well. Lou Holtz could not be reached for comment. All of this news is set against the backdrop of a thirty foot statue of Wadsworth erected on top of the Joyce Athletic and Convocation Center. While there is still some question as to who authorized the first ever colossus depicting an AD, the statue is by all accounts, big, sinister and holding a large plate smothered with Canadian bacon. Notre Dame security has announced that absolutely no attention will be paid to the relentless vandalism of the statue. After being pestered all night at his home by phone calls from this office, Wadsworth finally broke the silence, saying, "I'm crazy slinky face man — now give me some candy!"