No more opinions ever, they piss me off.

OK, this has gone far enough. You know what I'm talking about. All those opinions that have been popping up in the Insider Column. Let me tell you something. We don't want your opinions, we don't need your opinions, we don't have to tolerate your opinions. What do we want? More wacky stories that everyone can relate to. The airport. Now, lots of crap goes down there. That's funny. The mall. I mean, what is the deal with the mall? That's what I want to read about while I'm eating my lunch. Charlie Rice was in the Marines. Lots of funny stuff happens in the Marines. Like short-sheeting the admiral's bed. That would rock! But we shouldn't stop at the Observer. I, for one, believe there is way too much opinion in magazines such as National Review and New Republic. I mean, have you seen one of these rags? Who cares what William F. Buckley thinks about trade issues? I want to know what happens on his yacht. That would be compelling, people. And why does Doonesbury keep haranguing us with his take on the world? Why not let Boopsie get into some madcap situations once in a while? And we don't need those stupid monologues from Letterman. I say, drop some more watermelons! I mean, watermelons off the roof of a tall building! How cool is that? And why do we have to read Socrates' opinions for class? What good is that? I want to hear some tales of homosexual Greek wrestling, and this is what I get? No thanks. You see what I mean. We should all follow the brave calls of the Viewpoint page and completely empty our heads. Just go with the flow, dude! No more opinions from anyone, ever.

[Due to the sensitive nature of this letter, the Inquisition is witholding the name of the author. However, we can tell you that he lives in Sorin and his name is Fred Bush]