SORIN HALL -- From the roof of Sorin Hall's front porch, Father Edward Malloy announced the appointment of Pat Garrity as Notre Dame's first Independent Counsel.

"Because of the impossibility of objectively investigating the allegations against Athletic Director Mike Wadsworth from inside the administration, I have decided to appoint Pat Garrity to handle the investigation."

Garrity, known for his exceptional intelligence, basketball ability and moral purity, was calm as he accepted this new role. "It will probably take some time, so I may have to cut back on Brazilian whores, but it should really be no problem. Mind if I do your homework?"

Garrity indicated that he would stay on as a full time student and a varsity basketball player. "I'm not that busy," he said, "I mean, what's a few hours of Grand Jury testimony anyway? It's nothing I can't handle. Really, can I do your homework?" Specific allegations against Wadsworth range from the professional (forcing out Coach Holtz) to the prurient (establishing an "internship" program just two weeks ago). Wadsworth has issued a general denial of all the allegations saying, "I deny all untrue allegations of improper activities with undetermined human beings directed at me, now and in the future." This single statement caused Wadsworth's approval rating with students to skyrocket, many arguing that Coach Holtz was old, and probably should have been fired anyway. Wadsworth's attorney, plans to be on WSND radio shows begging for immunity in a matter of days, but would not return phone calls to his office. To avoid the crush of reporters parked outside his house, Wadsworth has taken up residence in a secret location on campus (342 Farley Hall, rooming with sophomore Jen Van Patten), where he is said to be "focusing" on the difficult job of running Notre Dame's athletic department. Garrity is rumored to be focusing on a poster distributed at last year's Ohio State game, well in advance of Holtz's announcement of his intention to retire. The program is said to have the Rutgers program cover with "the Holtz Legacy" headline on it. Wadsworth's copy has been subpoenaed by Garrity. Immediately following Wadsworth's WSND plea, WSND will run a show in which all of the campus journalists question whether or not it's worth investigating Wadsworth, but conclude that it is, as long as ratings stay up. Although Fox News experts Hannity and Colmes know nothing about the situation, they will also appear on the broadcast. Possibly Arianna Huffington, too, if things work out. It is rumored that Wadsworth was considering declaring war on Bethel College to distract attention from Independent Counsel Garrity's investigation. "They're killing us all!" screamed Wadsworth at a press conference this morning, as he slathered his plate of Canadian bacon with butter and maple syrup. "Clearly, the white fundamentalist Christian priest-kings are killing us!"

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