Here I am, to tell you all about what happened last week on your favorite soap operas. I sure hope my girlfriend appreciates this.

Party of Five - OK, now, I think you have this alcoholic who has cancer, and Neve Campbell is around too, and this Love gal, who is beautiful but 15. Quite a paradox. What will they get into next? I don't really know. Stay tuned. It's on Fox whenever Ally McBeal isn't.

Dawson's Creek - Those girls are hot. If I was in high school, I would beat the crap out of Dawson. I'd like to stuff that damn jewelry down his throat, and take the girls for my own. Oh, the plot is kind of like Breakfast Club. That Dawson really pisses me off.

My So-Called Life - Is this on the air still? I catch it on the MTV, but they seem to repeat themselves.

The Price Is Right - It's slowed down a bit in recent years. Bob isn't demanding sex from the contestants anymore, and apparently he has killed Johnny Olson (I missed that episode). This Plinko story arc simply will not end. Has Chantel been lobotomized? Did I miss that one?

The Brady Bunch - Why do the characters keep getting older, then younger, then older again? Very confusing. Who are these people laughing in the background? Are they spying on the Bradys?

I'm not cut out for this. I don't get TV.