USA -- In response to the University of Connecticut's decision to allow women's basketball player Nykesha Sales to break the school scoring record without opposition, every major U.S. sports organization has decided to pro-rate all sports records based on injuries sustained and other psychological and physical handicaps, both real and imagined. "We hope that this will remove the objective indications of achievement that have held baseball back the last couple of decades and show that everything is all relative," said Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig.

The commissioner began this new policy by announcing that the pitching records of one-armed pitcher Jim Abbott will be doubled. In addition, the records of Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown will be multiplied by 5/3.

Selig will also take into account such aspects as girth (Terry Forster and John Kruk are now the two leading hitters of all time) and mental illness (Jimmy Piersall's records will be adapted to reflect what a reasonably sane person with his athletic ability would have achieved).

Selig is also considering making allowances for complete lack of athletic talent, thus awarding the 1962 World Series to the Mets. Poor judgment will also be factored in, thus ruling Bill Buckner's play in the 9th inning of Game 6 a catch and awarding the Boston Red Sox the 1986 title. NBA commissioner David Stern is following Selig's lead, awarding points for lack of height (Spud Webb is now the NBA's leading scorer) and for dying before a career would start (Len Bias is second on the list). The NCAA has also agreed with this new proposal, adding standards for deflated expectations (which will give Ron Powlus three Heisman Trophies) and for teams whose coaches died in a plane crash (Notre Dame is now credited with national championships in 1932, 34 and 37). The NFL will not go that far, but will make allowances for field goal kickers with half a foot, thus changing Tom Dempsey's record 63-yd field goal into a 5000-yd field goal.