THE STADIUM -- In his most surprising move yet as head coach of the Fighting Irish, Bob Davie has fired Father Hesburgh, apparently because he felt Hesburgh was too old to continue as President Emeritus.

"The man is a fossil," Davie explained. "I want him out of here because he's too old and everyone knows old people can't be president emeritus."

When asked if he had any specific evidence that Hesburgh couldn't do the job, Davie replied, "no, in fact, he seems to be doing a pretty good job, but I demand a five year commitment from all my presidents emeritus."

Davie indicated that dirt on Hesburgh's Corby car did not play a role in the decision. However, he did say he was "looking forward to exploring every party of Hesburgh's tenure as President in the upcoming litigation."

When asked if there was anyone else he wanted to fire, Davie replied enthusiastically, "Yes! The blacks and the women. Also, I don't like Jews or hispanics very much. We need these people replaced with young, white, male Catholics. Rosenthal, you're cut. Get off the field, you money-changer."

Davie also wished Reggie Ho was still on the team so he could wish him "Aloha on the steel guitar."

Coach Davie's attorney could not be reached for comment. But he did try to tackle the Irish head coach as he began to make more statements.

"You know, it's important to emphasize that Father Hesburgh is not just old -- he beats the other priests. This has been going on for years, but I've decided to wait until now to do something about it. This should not arouse suspicions."

When a reporter asked if the old offensive line coach, Joe Moore, would have been likely to have had at least one of his line man come somewhere near to making a block on Hunter Smith's first punt in the Michigan State game, Davie replied wistfully, "Well, sure, but Jim Colletto is so young and strong . . . " "While I'm here," Davie continued, as his lawyer began tying a noose, "let me tell you that a lot of people working at this University are crazy in the head. I'm not sure how this helps my case, I just like to talk. That Lou Holtz guy was wacko -- I mean -- he was a good coach, sure, but he also worshipped the devil." "He drank cheese," Davie explained, while his lawyer flagellated himself with a barbed flail. Did I mention how excited I am about this season?" Even some of the players have proved to be too old to play for coach Davie -- "Tony Driver and Joe Moore have a lot in common: they did nothing but good for the program and I didn't like them. Now they're gone. Are we clear on that?" At this point, Mike Wadsworth walked out onto the field and began shooting at the assembled reporters with a large caliber handgun. "Holtz is gone now, and I'm in charge," Wadsworth declared. "Could you explain that?" asked one of the reporters. "DIE DIE DIE!" Wadsworth explained. Gerry Faust could not be reached for comment.