by Brenda Wonders

The administration says that the policy is to preserve quiet after hours. Whatever. Itâs to prevent sex. Iâm not sure if you know this, but Catholics arenât supposed to have sex ever. Which is crap, by the way. But is parietals truly the answer? That was not a rhetorical question. The correct answer is "no." Let me explain.

My brother Ricky wanted to stay in my room over the USC weekend. But he couldnât! We tried, but he couldnât! Now, I am not a pervert. I am not going to have sex with my brother. Heâs a geek. So he had to stay in a hotel, which is nothing less than senseless insanity. We had no quality time whatsoever in which I could parade naked and destroy his fragile 13 year old ego forever.

Hereâs another example. Last August, my parents had to wait until 10 AM to furnish my room. I'll tell you what, you do not screw with the tee time of Dr. Jerry Wonders. Heâs a chiropractor, you know.

Everybody is moving off campus because of these parietals and itâs really hurting the freshmen. They donât have any role models anymore. Whoâs going to teach them that vapid premarital sex is where itâs at? If we are concerned about students moving off campus, we must recognize that parietals are the sole reason for the problem, and that everything else is irrelevant and ironic.

Hereâs another example. Last August, my parents...oh, damn, I already used that. Let me think. OK, I got it! With the parietal policy, students donât have to deal with their roommates' refusal to remove unwanted guests from their room. The rule does it for them and nips social development right in the bud in the process. After all, how are we going to prepare the Notre Dame family for life in the real world, in which no laws exist at all? The absence of a parietal policy at Notre Dame would encourage roommates to break out into irrational violence, and thatâs a good thing. One more thing. The parietals policy ruins any chance at healthy gender relations. Ruins them completely. After all, how are you going to get along without healthy late-night bonding activities? Empty premarital sex is a great way to bring the genders together. After all, if we grope each other while naked, certainly we'll be more receptive to sitting together in the dining hall. Think about, people. So, thatâs my argument for parietals. Change it now. by Melanie Bean Everybody thinks parietals are stupid. And they would be right. But parietals do have a point. Iâm trying to think of it right now. Parietals create quiet and privacy. They keep your roommateâs boyfriend >from keeping you up late at night watching TV. After all, we know that women hate TV. But these reasons are superficial and ironic. Think of the moral atmosphere, people. I was listening to Dr. Laura last night and she said that you canât have unmarried people living together. So, it's true. Let us not stoop to the level of Ivy League schools that disrespect the commands of noted radio therapists. We must remain impervious to mildew and rot. We simply must, or we will not be ND. We will be Yale, and who the hell wants to be Yale? Have you ever driven through New Haven? Ewwww. Parietals give us boundaries. They draw a distinct line between visiting and sleeping over. As Paul mentioned in his first letter to the Corinthians: "The visit must end, or it will become sleeping over. Therefore, the visit must end. Now." Parietals set guidelines for healthier relationships based on innocuous fun and traditional propriety. After all, this is what life is all about. Innocuous fun. Innocent propriety. How can you not love it? "Unmarried people cannot and shall not live together, even when they are just playing Euchre and watching Jerry Maguire." Thomas Aquinas said it in 1465, Charlie Rice said in in 1862 and it rings true today. At football games, we are proud to stand up and say that we are ND. But ND is not merely gold helmets. After all, anybody could buy a gold helmet. In fact, ND is gold helmets AND not visiting members of the opposite sex between the hours of 2 and 10 oâclock. Iâd like to see somebody buy that. Thatâs why weâre here. Let us rejoice and be glad.