My Life Is Not Only Interesting, It's Also Symbolically Important

by Feathers Galore

I for one appreciated the cards, letters and obscene voice mail messages concerning my recent column "I Am So Interesting." So, I would like to take this opportunity to expound upon this grave issue concerning us all. You see, people, my life is not only interesting, it is also symbolically important. Let me explain.

I was sitting around yesterday with my friends. We were playing "Candy Land." Can you stand it? "Candy Land." I mean, that's something little kids play, and we're, like, grown adults! It was freaky!

But then I got to thinking. Somewhere in Yugoslavia, lots of little kids can't play Candy Land. Because they have no arms. Land mines, you know. Princess Diana was killed because of her beliefs, and we should respect that. I mean, you should see the picture of her crucifixion. "Here Is The Queen Of The Land Mines." It makes you sick. We can't let this happen! Hold up a shoe, do something!

And then, after we finished Candy Land, we ate Rolo. Oh my God, do you remember Rolo? I couldn't believe it when Debbie showed it to me! I mean, Rolo! What's next, Tab?
But then I got to thinking. Somewhere in Mexico, lots of little kids can't eat Rolo, or Fruit Rollups, or any other trendy 80s food. Any food, for that matter. You know why? Because Dan Sullivan made fun of them. It makes you sick. We can't let this happen! Hold up a shoe, do something!
Finally, we had a pillow fight. I mean, a pillow fight! Like, wham! What are we, 12? No, we are 19. But we're having a pillow fight!
But then I got to thinking. Tonight, many women across the United States cannot have a pillow fight with their girlfriends. You know why? Because their husbands are beating them. And not with pillows, but with much harder objects, like bricks (this is only one example). It makes you sick and also ironic. We can't let this happen! Hold up a shoe, do something!
So, you see, my life is symbolically important. Please nurture me and protect my delicate genius. Pardon me while I engage in more immature activities and then call them into question. Good day.