by Brenda Wonders '99

OK, this is going too far. First, we live here in this frozen tundra we know as Michiana. Next, I've been here for two years and no national championship. But now we're being persecuted. I'm talking about this lousy louse-infested piece of louse we know as Knott Hall. It's so small! In comparison, a mouse would be big. I mean, what do they think I am? A really small human being? And what's with this carpeting? It's hardly Anso IV stain resistant. I mean, I wouldn't invite those panhandlers on South Michigan Street to stay there. And what's with those people, anyway? I don't want to look at that in University Park Mall! I mean, I've never seen one before. What am I to do? Sympathize? I mean, I'll bet they have cable in the Center for the Homeless. I can't watch All My Children anymore! And how's come we don't have a Taco Bell on campus? Don't we have a constitutional right to a fajita? What is with those Friends? Will Ross and Rachel ever get together? E-mail me with your comments. And what's up with E-mail? I mean, who the hell am I, George Jetson? Oh my God, wow! Technology! And I still can't program my VCR! To watch "Friends," no doubt. What were we talking about? Oh, the Spirit of Inclusion. If you ask me, all of those homophobes don't deserve the responsibility. I mean, look at them, they're being persecuted! My grandparents lived through the Holocaust, and I think those poor people have it worse! Oh my God, wow! Talk about persecution, look at Saint Mary's. But then, England hated the Spice Girls and that turned out OK. In fact, I think we could all use a good dose of Girl Power. After all, we're thumbody. But, at the end of the day, we hug ourselves and think how lucky we are to be here and how life can never get better. And then we get drunk.

Is this empty space OK? I've reached my philosophical conclusion. Can I go now?