The 24th annual Bookstore Basketball tournament has returned to Notre Dame, thus giving many students something to fill the cold, empty void. Thousands of Notre Dame's finest gathered to reaffirm their masculinity and/or wackiness.

"We were running out of things to talk about over dinner, but now we can play sports with a funny team name. We discussed many team names as we were reading the Observer. You wouldn't believe some of the names. They're too funny," said Zahm freshman Brandon Muldoon.

"We lost in the first round, but it was good times. It is really a great time when your friends are there watching. Those other guys were cool," said Keenan freshman Jeffrey McDougal.

The other guys confirmed that they will not be inviting McDougal to any parties or acknowledge his presence in the future.

Many teams enlivened the festivities with funny costumes. "I wore toilet paper on my back! That's insane!", said Stanford sophomore Pat Munford. For the advancing teams, players and fans alike reveled in the opportunity to pretend that they were varsity athletes and/or varsity fans. "They played us tough, but sometimes, persistence pays off," said Fisher junior Mike McCoy as he realized that his name would be printed in a top-grade newspaper and would be read by over 25 people. Some teams advanced deep into the tournament before being pounded by teams comprised of varsity athletes who now dominate their non-athlete peers on the court and out at the bars, where often, one football player will accumulate three women before your average Bookstore player gets a drink. Other players talked strategy intensively after the game: "They nailed us in the post, but we got them with the zone," replied Zahm senior Dave O'Patten as he struggled to remember television commentary from last night's Pacers game. The championship game will be played at 2 PM at Stepan, followed by 50 years of a soulless upper middle class lifestyle punctuated by occasional football games and culminating in death.