My problem is ignorance. Since I am the world's foremost authority on ignorance, I will address it now (for more ignorance click here).

Most people in this country have no idea why Halloween is being celebrated. Let's put a stop to that right now. For criminy's sake, how can we celebrate holidays if we don't know what they're about. Can we honestly set off fireworks on the Fourth of July knowing that Thomas Jefferson held slaves? No, we cannot. Let us sit quietly on the Fourth of July watching Spice and engaging in erotic pillow fights.

Did you know that Jesus was probably born in the spring? But we celebrate Christmas on December 25! Why not have the pagan winter solstice of debauchery and orgy the way that God intended? There is so much more to a holiday than celebrating it. Holidays are not fun. They are meant for quiet reflection. I propose we adapt Thanksgiving accordingly. Let us look past the trick-or-treating and deviant sexual behavior. Let us look past the turkey and turkey-rights protests to appreciate the real hero here. Yes, let us stop with the commercialism and return to the devil worship that is the real meaning of the holiday. Let us take the time to pause and thank Satan for the wonderful gifts he has given us. Let us submit to Screwtape and Beezulbub. It-s much more productive than eating second rate cooking that is probably destroying rain forests. The commercialization and dilution of religious and cultural holidays are tragic. Millions will die as a direct result. Now is the time to stop making Thanksgiving so superficial and to make it truly evil. Look at Fiona Apple. She got the point.