There is no evidence to prove that my life should be used for more constructive purposes than serving as Assistant News Editor for the Observer for the next 40 years.

I don't like to preach, unless I can force you to listen to what I have to say. Too many people are so serious nowadays, "acting responsibly" as my parole officer used to say. This is not right.

At my late uncle's funeral after his death, his friends were discussing what a nut he was. That's a productive life. That of a nut. The rest of you can chew off.

True immortality will not be judged by your success in life. That's a good thing, since my uncle was a failure. It will be judged on how wacky you are. You can be wacky by doing immature things. Everybody says to me, "Johnny, you are so shaky." And you know what? They're right. It doesn't matter that I am going on my seventh year in an American Studies major, because I'm shaky. Here's a few of my favorite wacky things. Call a girl, laugh menacingly and hang up. Walk around the North Quad spewing obscenity and preaching religion. During the middle of a chem lecture, walk up behind the prof and scream "Zap!", then continue to scream every time he speaks, all the while doing a wacky jig. Or, how about wearing a Cat in the Hat hat? True immortality comes from being zany. There is simply no other way to achieve true immortality. Don't even try it. You know why nobody remembers Martin Luther King? Not funny. All you can do is prattle on like a wacky ass until you are gently removed from campus. Then, I will feel superior to you.