Hark, my brethren! I have some problems with the Catholic Church! Just how far are its leaders drifting from issues its members embrace? That was not a rhetorical question. The answer is "pretty damn far, sir." So what are we to do? Listen to me, for I, Gary Caruso, am wise and good.

From my post at the Georgetown Starbucks (I have a few minutes to write this before I have to serve up the next batch of dessicated scones), I find grave difficulties with today's church. Bah on today's church! Bah on all of its members! Bah! Bah! Bah! Oh, sorry. I, Gary Caruso, will now tell you everything that is wrong with the Catholic Church.

The Pope, for one. I have a real problem with the Pope. I have sent him over 600 letters outlying my growing separation with the Catholic Church. I have also included my complaints on the cartoon "Zippy the Pinhead", my distrust of the 22 Jewish bankers who control our gold supply, and a pint of my own blood (type O, good stuff).

And I haven't heard word one of support or gratitude. Fuck him!

And what is the deal with the Church's stance on homosexuals? Joseph Sicari, ND class of 56, starred with Jerry Lewis in "Damn Yankees" and is OPENLY GAY. If the Church continues to shun him and his ilk, who will rise up to sing and dance with Mr. Lewis on the next telethon? I haven't met many geniuses in my life, but Mr. Lewis is a good one, and the Church wants to screw with his casting? I, for one, don't buy it. Hey laaaaaaady!

The Church should be the most open and attractive religion, kind of like something you would see on the Spice channel.

And if you ask me, the Church needs to be more cool, hip and with it. Like I, Gary Caruso, am with it. I feel stupid and contagious. Here we are now, entertain us. Mmmmmbop. And by the way, Regis Philbin and Phil Donahue are unclean perverts and a mockery of Our Lady's University. Yo diggity.

Whatever happened to the good hot dog? Everywhere I go, bad hot dogs!

Have you seen a more beautiful actress on the screen than Miss Ann-Margret?

Don't get me wrong, I like Regis, I did a tour of the Capitol for him when I used to work there. But he's still an unclean pervert. Did I tell you I used to work at the Capitol?

Kids today with their backward baseball caps. What the hell is that? I used to work at the Capitol!

Yo, tell me what you want, what you really, really want. I really, really, really wanna zigaziga. In my day, we didn't have women at Notre Dame. We slaked our sensuous appetites on yellowed snapshots of Gina Lollobrigida and we were happy.

By the way, I'm your hotline to the Capitol. I used to work there. You remember. Me, Gary Caruso. I am a great man. God DAMN I wish I could get my old job back.

For my comedy money, there isn't a better laugh these days than the demented mind of Yahoo Serious. Have I shown you my comedy money?

Bacon. Sweet, wonderful, crispy bacon. Just $1.99 at your neighborhood Bob Evans Farms restaurant.

I used to work at the Capitol. It was a large building, white, lots of monuments, you know. Tarnation, I had my mouth set on Yankee Bean Soup!

Why would you want to name your daughter Hole?

This commentary may be quoted to the Supreme Court as mandatory authority, as I used to work at the Capitol, and former federal employees have the franking privilege.