MIAMI -- The United States and the civilized world burst into a celebration of unconfined joy on Sunday night as the owner of the Florida Marlins, billionaire tycoon Wayne Huzienga, was awarded the World Series Championship Trophy.

Huzienga, whose life has been filled with every conceivable comfort, now adds the adulation of millions to his long list of accomplishments and another trophy to his phenomenal stock of material possessions.

"I really feel I deserve this, as I deserve everything I have, because of how hard I worked to achieve it," Huzienga remarked. "But I would like to mention the contribution of the players, the GM and Jim Leyland, who are also fabulously wealthy, although none so rich as I am."

Mr. Huzienga has enjoyed more advantages in his life than all but a few dozen of the billions of human beings who have ever lived. His privileged upbringing and elite education were richly rewarded when he inherited his family fortune.

"You think you have a lot when you own 10,000 video stores, an amusement park, half a dozen homes, several limousines, hundreds of millions in cash and three or four professional sports teams, but winning the World Series has really taught me how poor I used to be. Is this on network or just the stadium?"

The many millionaire players on the Florida Marlins team echoed Huzienga's thoughts. "I finally got what's coming to me!" said Bobby Bonilla, set to make 68 million dollars over the next three years. "It's like, you work your whole life to achieve something really significant, and now I have a t-shirt that says, "World Series Champs." I never thought anything could feel better than screwing the city of Pittsburgh royally, but damn if this didn't come up." The losing Cleveland Indians, by contrast were devastated by the loss, and announced that henceforth, they would call Cleveland, "The City of Unnumbered Tears." Said Manager Mike Hargrove, "The Cuyahoga River catching on fire was one thing, the city going bankrupt still another, our troubled inner city yet one more, but oh my God, wow, this really sucks. I want to run to the abandoned Richfield Coliseum and huddle under the bleachers, hoping it will all go away." "What's really important is that talented people be rewarded for their talents," Bonilla continued, though he had not been asked another question. "I'm very talented and now I have more money, more sex, more stuff and more championships than other people ‹ you know, it's like, justice." Marlins millionaire pitcher Kevin Brown agreed. "People do not understand how difficult it is to be in our position. Being a pro ball player is not an ordinary job where you work nine-to-five for a meager salary. There's a lot of pressure to succeed and if you don't ‹ boom ‹ no more five million dollars. I deal with that every day." Few of the fans of the Florida Marlins could be reached for comment, because most were busy looting the stores owned by their neighbors and friends, but Freddy Williams of North Miami Beach, a former Blockbuster clerk, commented, "I was able to see all the games this year because I got irrationally fired by Mr. Huizenga when he couldn't rent all three volumes of the Carson Collection. I'm sorry, the one where the mongoose pisses on Johnny's head was out, what am I to do? It was all worth it though, now that he has brought pride back south Florida." Next for Mr. Huizenga is a concentrated attempt to buy the naming rights for the next major hurricane to threaten the metropolitan area.